Slowing down

I believe there is a gift in everything. As August Gold says, what happens to us is really happening for us. While I am still recovering from the concussion I received this weekend, I'm so grateful to have been able to see the gift in this experience. Now, I'm not saying that every moment has felt like a gift--someday I'd love to reach that level of presence--but when I take a step back and look at the big picture, I'm definitely more on the grateful side than not.

One of the biggest things I've gotten from this experience is the gift of slowing down. I am almost always busy, which often means I'm multitasking. The last few days I've been nearly incapable of focusing on anything other than what's right in front of me, so I'm having to do things one at a time. And since my thoughts aren't cooperating with me by moving at their usual speed, I'm also having to do everything more slowly. I love the picture above because it reminds me of how I've been feeling lately. I might have been practicing mindfulness last week, but I've been living mindfulness this week.

Here are some examples of other gifts I've received:

* My presence is a gift. At the hospital on Saturday, I was conscious of the pain and suffering around me, but also the love and caring. I chose to build upon that energy and add my own healing energy into the mix. I closed my eyes and practiced conscious breathing, pulling positive, life force energy from Source into my body through the top of my head (or crown chakra) and sending it out into the hospital through the middle of my chest (or heart chakra). Then I reversed the flow, pulling all of the suffering I sensed out of the hospital and sending it back up into Source. It was a variation on a Ram Dass mediation I used to have on tape that I've always loved. It made me realize that my presence in the hospital that day was a gift to those around me, and it gave me something other than how I was feeling to focus on--a win-win situation!

* Surrender to the experience. I'm not always capable of focusing on something other than how I'm feeling. Sometimes the nausea or dizziness is just too great and I get caught up in it. Other times, I am incredibly aware of all of the sensations in my body. It's like I'm overly sensitive or something, so every time I turn my head it's almost like I can feel the different signals being sent throughout my nervous system. When I resist the experience by attempting to fight it or ignore it, it just gets worse, probably because I'm adding a level of anxiety or annoyance to it. It leaves me feeling frustrated, heavy, and sad. When I surrender to it, I become fully present in my body, in my breath, in this moment. I can feel the aliveness of my body and for a moment, there is no past or future, there truly is only now. It's like I'm falling into an ecstatic trance where I notice everything that is happening or that I'm feeling in that moment. It leaves me feeling light, peaceful, and connected, a welcome change of pace for sure.

* Remove your head from the sand. There's nothing like an illness or injury to send me scurrying for my shovel so I can be an ostrich and bury my head in the sand. I tell myself ignoring and avoiding will make me feel better than dealing with things, which as we know is never true. At least this time I buried myself shallowly so I could pull myself out from time to time and take care of the business at hand. I've kept the apartment clean, I've taken care of some paperwork for my freelance gig and for my insurance company, and I even managed to call the doctor this morning for the follow up recommended by the hospital. The result? I feel organized, capable, on top of things, and I'm much more aware of the fact that I am getting better each day as my daily tasks get a little easier each day.

* Ask and ye shall receive (especially when it comes to help). Oh wow, is this one ever a biggie for me. I grew up believing that I needed to be strong and independent, which meant I needed to take care of everything for myself. Help was for the weak. I've been slowly releasing this concept over the past decade, but it's like a dandelion with deep roots and lots of scattered seeds. This experience has helped me to uproot it a little bit as I've been forced to call upon my husband and other friends for help. And everyone has been wonderful and supportive, of course. My friend Melanie wrote a guest post for my blog on Monday when I wasn't feeling like I could string words together to form full and complete sentences. My friend Beth is picking me up in a couple of hours to take me to a reunion dinner we are going to tonight. My husband has pitched in wherever he could, from helping with breakfast and dinner preparation to picking up around the house to running errands for me after work. And that doesn't even touch on all the long-distance love, support, and prayers that have come down the pipeline. When you ask for help, you get to experience all the love that is always present in life, sometimes even from unexpected sources.

What this all amounts to me is "Stay Fully Present," a lesson I've been attempting to learn for years. That's the funny thing about the way the universe works--sometimes you have to literally be hit over the head with it before you finally get it. Keep your fingers crossed the effects are long-lasting this time. Namaste.

Photo: "Slow The World Down," originally uploaded by Taro Taylor

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yes is a world

I was all set to write about the power of action today, but as I was swapping out my "Quote of the Week" this morning, it occurred to me that as much as I love e.e. cummings poem that was there, I haven't necessarily been LIVING it.

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds

Reading this poem, even if it's my hundredth time reading it, gives me chills. It speaks to that part of me that has spent most of my life asleep, that part of me that yearns for me to stand up and truly say YES that all of life has to offer. It speaks to me in the language of my soul, answering a call that my spirit has been crying for a long, long time.

I'm still at a point where I'm not sure I know what living a life of YES would truly look like, but I think I can work backwards from what it would not look like. It would not look like settling--it would be making choices that serve me and my goals. It would not look like accepting table scraps and saying thank you, can I have some more please--it would be recognizing my power and strength and the gifts that I bring to the world, knowing my value and expecting it to be seen. It would not be gray and flat and lifeless--it would be full of color, fully fleshed out, vibrant, animate, alive.

Sometimes I'm blown away by how difficult it is for me to speak my truth, to stand in my power and tell the world that I'm here, that I'm a force for good in this universe, that I am a voice of wisdom and understanding, that I am a conduit for God or Infinite Intelligence or Source or whatever you want to call that all-powerful, all-encompassing ONENESS that is the creative source of our universe. The DailyOM this morning struck such a chord with me, talking about that feeling of spinning our wheels, possibly even feeling like we're going backwards, but needing to remember that each step is a step forward. Forward progress, it's all forward progress. That can be so difficult for me to recognize some days, when I find myself stuck in a pattern that I thought I'd caught and eliminated 10, 15, 20 years ago. How long am I going to allow myself to be stuck under the mantle of "I'm not good enough"?

But this is when I have to take a deep breath, let all that tension in my shoulders and my stomach dissipate and remember that the "I'm not good enough" of 2008 is a mere shadow of its former self. The truth of my forward progress really is self-evident--when I let go my perfectionism and judgment, I can see it clear as day. And this past year has been about moving what I know from my head to my heart, into my body, so that I can FEEL it. I suppose this next year is going to be about moving it out of my head and body into the world, really putting my money where my mouth is and living the life that I truly want, that I know I deserve, and that I truly was born to live. This year is going to be about shifting my self-definition, how I perceive myself internally and how I describe myself to the world.

I am a writer. I am a coach. I am a spiritual intuitive. I have unique gifts to share with the world. This is who I am. Do you know who you are? How do you want to define yourself moving forward? Are you ready to share that definition of yourself? I cannot promise you that this kind of shift will be easy, but I know that, for me at least, it is necessary. And I hope to even have some fun with it along the way. Namaste.