Steps to learning how to fly

So I have this burning question that I hope you share with me -- How does one really learn how to fly? As with many things in life, I have great philosophical and intellectual answers to this question, and what I am working on now is the experiential piece. But I'd like to share with you what I've learned so far.

Perhaps the key here is to first believe that you really do deserve to fly, that life isn't meant to be endless suffering and struggle, that there really is the opportunity rise up above the relativity of the world and experience the Absolute, the inherent love and good and peace that is always available for the taking. I love this quote from Robert Cooper:

It’s easy to act as if you are a weathervane, always changing your beliefs and words, trying to please everyone around you. But we were born to be lighthouses, not weathervanes. Imagine a vertical axis running through the center of your heart, from your deepest roots to your highest aspirations. That’s your lighthouse. It anchors you in the world and frees you from having to change directions every time the weather shifts. Inside this lighthouse there is a lens and a light. The light represents who you are when nobody else is looking. That light was meant to keep shining, no matter how dark or stormy it gets outside . . . when you find that light inside you, you will know it. Don’t let anyone else dim it . . . and one more thing: remember to look for the light inside others. If at first you can’t see it, look deeper. It’s there.

This is what I believe, or even more than that, I know it to be true. All of the great teachers have talked about letting your let shine, not hiding your light under a bushel, seeing the divinity in everyone -- sound familiar? These aren't just pretty words to make you feel better -- really, they're a call to action, a call to that deep place within you that really feels, that wants to thrive, that understands why you are here. When you get quiet and listen, can you hear it? Can you feel it? What do you hear that voice within you saying?

Perhaps you cannot feel this with any definiteness, you just hope that it is true. That's more than enough to start down the path of learning how to fly. I'd like to take some time over this next week to explore what I see as the steps along this path.

1. Start Where You Are
2. Clear the Slate
3. Shift Your Perspective
4. Connect Consciously
5. Trust Your Intuition
6. Come Out of Hiding
7. Follow Your Bliss

They aren't necessarily linear, some of them are most certainly circular, making your journey look more like you're dancing a little jig as you go. But each step is important, necessary even, as you learn how to spread your wings and begin to fly. The more steps I take myself, the more I understand the ones I've already taken, and the more trust I have when the light shines on my next step. I think this will be fun to explore together and I look forward to learning more with you as we continue along this journey together. Namaste.

Photo: Soaring, Originally uploaded by Peter Kaminski


Enjoying Learning to Fly? Stumble It to share with others looking for inspiration!

Weather report

I'm seriously bummed. I knew there was rain forecasted for the remainder of the week, but I didn't know the full extent until today. They're talking about a storm like the one we had back at the beginning of January, with flash floods and power outages and hurricane-force winds. The problem? Sean and I were supposed to be going camping this weekend. We had a tent-cabin booked down at Big Basin. While that is certainly better than being in a tent in a storm, I don't think I want to be sleeping outside in this kind of storm regardless of my accommodations, so we canceled our trip. Bugger.

Sweaters

I discovered this little gem on the KFOG's Local Scene CD I got in the mail a few years back for being a Foghead. I'd listened to it a few times but hadn't really gotten into it until I was making a mix for my mother in December and pulled it out. I loved "Sweaters" so much that I even named the CD for it. Beth Waters has a beautiful, silky voice and a lot of energy that adds oomph to her complex and soulful lyrics. Seeing as how I'm a little slow on the uptake, I just figured out that "local scene" means she should be playing around here and sure enough, she has a show in Berkeley in March at Caffe Trieste. I'll have to mark my calendar.

So I was looking for a video of her singing this song on YouTube -- instead, I found a friend of hers covering the song. I enjoyed it and thought you might too. If you want to hear her version, check out her MySpace page -- "Sweaters" is the first song in her player. I love the message of this song, which I take to mean that when you change yourself, you change the world. I believe I can change the world, just give me time . . .



Artist: Beth Waters
Song: Sweaters
Album: Beth Waters
Website: http://www.bethwaters.com/

This worn out sweater is slightly torn
Like the mouth of that old woman waiting for that phone
And I hear a little laughter from my own
Cause I see so many sweaters that refuse to be sewn

Well I finally threw my Valentine away
It was crumpled and faded
And as I kept it I had always thought the world would be that way
Until I opened up the drawer and it had changed

And it called to mind how I’d always felt like I’m
Just living in this life for a while
And how you get so far beneath yourself
It’s hard to see the journey with a smile

But I believe I can change the world just give me time
I believe I can change the world just give me time
I believe, I believe I can change the world
I believe I can change the world just give me time
Just give me time

Well I tried to start that journal once or twice
But I always end up writing notes on day-to-day life
And like all of us I’m just trying to hang on
In the middle of the carousel it’s much more calm

And it called to mind how I’d always felt like I’m
The last one to hear of things
I’m in the back of the room watching all of you
I go unnoticed but I notice everything

But I believe I can change the world just give me time
I believe I can change the world just give me time
I believe, I believe I can change the world
I believe I can change the world
Just give me time
Just give me time
Just give me time
Just give me time

Copyright © 2003 by Beth Waters and Mermaid Mafia Records/Publishing

My vision

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
~Tallulah Bankhead

I love synchronicity. I met a friend for lunch yesterday whom I haven't seen in quite a while. At one point I felt compelled to share a vision I have. Before I'd finished, she started to laugh and shake her head. It turns out another friend of hers has a similar, overlapping vision. She's down in Southern California right now, but she plans to move back to the Bay Area at some point during the next year to put her vision into action. My friend is going to introduce us to see if our ideas overlap enough that we could work together. How cool is that? The funny thing is I don't talk about this idea very much these days. It's been feeling too "future" for me to give much energy to, but this seemed like a wonderful reminder that the only place we live is in the present.

So I've known that I'm on a healer's path for quite a while now. I've spent most of the past decade focusing on my Practitioner work in a Religious Science community, and I am in the process of evolving this work into more of a spiritual coach or mentor. Within the past couple of years I've had an idea for a Center develop as part of my larger vision, mostly coming up out of the desire to create the kind of community that I've wished already existed in my area. I want it to be a place that is there to assist people along their life's journey, whether they would like to work with a coach, they are in need of acupuncture or massage, they are looking for inspiration and learning through books or seminars, they are looking for a psychic or energy reading, or they just need a safe haven where they can break bread with fellow travelers.

I envision a bookstore that isn't just a bookstore, it provides an atmosphere of community. There are books on metaphysics, religion, spirituality, psychology, personal growth -- great examples of fiction and non-fiction that open you up and stretch you and become good friends. There are candles and lamps and incense, cards that make you laugh and cry, jewelery and bath products, gifts to soothe the soul for yourself and your loved ones. It's a simple store of wood and stone, with comfortable chairs scattered throughout so you can rest and soak up the good energy that gathers from the products and the patrons.

Upstairs or in the back, you might find a yoga class or a workshop or a poetry reading is being held that afternoon, or perhaps it's a movie night where something like What the Bleep Do We Know!? or a Spiritual Cinema Circle selection is being shown, or maybe a 12-step meeting is happening, and various readers have openings in their schedules for you to meet with them. Whether you're interested in energy work like Reiki, astrology or numerology, tarot or shamanism, or want to invest in some long-term coaching, there is someone associated with the Center for you to work with. There are offices in the building where various healing practitioners have full-time practices or you might find a table in the store where readings are held on a more impromptu basis. You might also find a writer or a musician or painter in one of the offices, lending their energy to the space and feeding the Center's energy back into their work.

Attached to the store is a cafe where you can get a variety of juices and coffees and snacks from a counter, or you can be seated in the dining room for a healthy and delicious meal. Perhaps a jazz trio is playing in the corner, or a singer-songwriter is just getting started, or there is a beautiful, revitalizing CD being played through the speakers. The produce all comes from local farmers and is organic wherever possible. The drink list features sustainable wineries, breweries, and distilleries in addition to the juice and coffee drinks from the counter. While not exclusive, much of the menu is vegetarian, introducing you to foods you might not have had the opportunity to experience previously. Mostly it is a place to relax and connect, and there are several community tables in the restaurant if you are interested in meeting new people during your meal.

While much of these ideas flow from my imagination, I've been blessed to experience little pieces of this idea around the country. This Center has its roots in at least three concepts: Golden Braid Books and Oasis Cafe in Salt Lake City, Utah; The Grotto in San Francisco, California; and Sacred Center in New York City. They are all amazing examples of spirit in action, and I cannot wait until I, too, am a part of a similar creative expression.

Byron Katie Quote

I love not rushing the process. Mind doesn’t shift until it does, and when it does shift, it’s right on time, not one second too late or too soon. People are like seeds waiting to sprout. We can’t be pushed ahead of our own understanding.

~Byron Katie, Loving What Is

Overcoming inertia

I love that it is 9:45 and we've already had an absolute downpour, had the sun come out, and now the skies are clear and blue and beautiful. Ah yes, this is my kind of day, where I can enjoy the sun doubly because we've already had some rain today. Yesterday I was not so lucky. I went for my 3-mile walk in the afternoon. It had already rained but the sky was still gray and heavy. I grabbed my umbrella as I headed out and managed to get most of the way through without having to use it, but that last half mile or so it started to rain -- thankfully a light, misty rain, but rain nonetheless. I was so relieved, pleased, proud that I had chosen to walk anyway. It wasn't that long ago that a rainy day would have been more than enough excuse not to leave the house, and considering I was still coming out of my funk, it showed substantial more motivation than I thought I had.

This past week has been really interesting to me, as I've managed to observe myself in the midst of my behaviors and subtly shift what I've always done to something different. What I've always done is let a funk absorb me, depress me, derail me. What was different was that there were still pockets of motivation, moments of productivity, rays of light that kept me at least partially on course in spite of inertia's best efforts to the contrary. Not to mention the unsmall feat of not beating myself up anywhere near as much as I usually do for the moments where I was off course, sitting on the couch eating chocolate and watching copious amounts of silly television.

This is what progress looks like. Most of the time it isn't great leaps and bounds, onward and upwards. It's making small changes, little shifts, and acknowledging yourself for making the effort, noticing the results however wee they may be. Each moment has its own challenges, its own choices, its own ups and downs, its own little victories. The trick is to be aware, to pay attention, to recognize what is happening inside you and around you, and to be grateful both for the awareness and the shift that is taking place. I feel like so much is happening right now, like everyday is full to overflowing even when on paper it doesn't look like I'm doing very much at all. But I can see the progress, in a way I've never been able to do before, and it is truly amazing.

What things do you notice when you pay attention? What are the little ways that you can shift what is happening in your life today? What are you grateful for? I can almost guarantee that the inertia will dissipate when faced with questions like these. There's no place for it to hide when you shine the light. Namaste.

Off and on

I feel like today I am waking up from a long nap. It isn't like I did nothing this weekend, but I did spend more of the weekend drifting than shifting. I haven't meditated or done my morning pages in days and I can totally feel it. The simplest word to describe it is that I am "off" -- off-balance, off-kilter, off-key, off-track . . . just plain off. The one thing I did do this weekend I am so grateful for -- I connected with women. I took a friend to the airport on Friday and we had breakfast. I had a handful of women friends over for a potluck dinner Saturday night. I met up with a couple of my Hoffman buddies for brunch on Sunday. I felt like I was rolling in feminine energy. What a nice change of pace, such a treat.

There is something about this weekend every year where I feel called to embrace my feminine energy. I'm sure part of it is balancing the equation -- my husband spends this weekend playing battle games, whether he goes to one of the local cons or just hooks up with some of his friends. Perhaps his being so utterly immersed in masculine energy brings out my need to soak up some feminine energy. Or it could be that on the heels of Valentine's Day, I feel my heart opening up and need to connect to the feminine to help support that. Whatever it is, this year I felt compelled to spend it with friends, and it sure felt good, like a warm bath. My soul feels soothed for it.

Today I feel capable of taking small steps out of the remainder of my funk. I feel again the desire to meditate, to listen to my intuition, to go for a walk, to cook something nurturing. My body and soul are craving some time to connect, to listen, to pay attention. And so I am following those urges, coming back to my center, moving from off to on -- on track, on purpose, on fire. Thankfully!

Drifting

I have to laugh at myself sometimes. Yesterday, my thinkArete.com Big Idea that comes in a daily email was about "drifting." It essentially was talking about the patterns we fall into that take us off course, that distance us from our Source, from our goals. Some of the examples he uses of ways we all drift are: "blame, criticize (my personal favorite), judge, lecture, ignore, explain, or withdraw. If, for some odd reason those don’t work, just try these: control, be sarcastic (!), procrastinate, watch TV, complain, get overwhelmed, justify, go shopping, (whatever you do, definitely!) don’t breathe, interrupt, get righteous, space out or worry."

The reason this makes me laugh is that yesterday, I drifted. Not all day, but for a substantial portion of it. Mostly I was in to withdrawing, procrastinating, and spacing out, but I'm sure there were other things in there as well. While there were several reasons for that drift, at the end of the day, aren't they all just excuses? Isn't it all just your ego throwing up resistance to keep you off balance? The funniest part about it all is that I was completely aware of what was happening. I observed myself getting off track and instead of taking steps to rectify the situation, I threw myself into it whole hog. Perhaps that is why I was able to, from time to time, pull myself out of it long enough to clean the kitchen, make the lasagna I'm entertaining with this evening, take a friend to the airport. And perhaps it is also why I was able to get up this morning and get back on track without a massive effort. My home is spotless, I did my 4 mile training walk, went to the farmer's market, and I still have time to sit down and do a blog post before I get ready for my guests to arrive this evening.

Today's thinkArete.com Big Idea was about "shifting," what we do when we want to "get back into Ease and Flow." The gist is that we have to breathe, and breathe again, and breathe some more, which I take to mean we have to take time for conscious connection to Source, and to ourselves. It certainly feels significantly better than drifting does, you can actually feel the shift taking place in your body. And I suppose that is what life is about, really. While we all strive to be on track 100% of the time, we're human, and we make mistakes, we drift off course. The trick is not to stay there, to make sure we take the time to shift, to reorient ourselves so that we're moving in the direction we consciously are choosing to, the direction that feels like it is taking us towards our goals. And be gentle with ourselves in the process. I don't know about you, but I can always use a reminder of that. Namaste.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love Google's doodles, the way they play with their logo on google.com for holidays and whatnot. Today's is especially sweet. It reminds me of our friends Rhoda and Sydney, not because they're like that image really, but because they are the one example I can think of a couple who has been together for more than 50 years and who are still utterly devoted to each other. They're truly inspirational.

Today, I am running behind schedule. I had high aspirations for what I was going to accomplish today, but that all went out the window when I decided that it was time to reorganize the "pantry" area in my kitchen or else. Honestly, it was a highly cost effective use of my time, and I feel so much lighter for having done it, but now I'm trying to squeeze in a 3 mile walk, grocery shopping, bathing, and making dinner in the remainder of my afternoon, all while remembering that today is a day to open up your heart and to experience all of the love that is in the world. I'm not really Valentine's Day's biggest fan, but it seems like a good excuse for me this year to practice opening up, romance, and loving unconditionally, and to notice all the sweetness and beauty around me. Enjoy.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow / What A Wonderful World

Okay, so it's Valentine's Day and what's more appropriate than a song that warms your heart every time you listen to it? Not to mention, it was our wedding recessional, picked out on one of Sean's more romantic days. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's medley of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "What a Wonderful World" has become iconic, representing all that is good and sweet and loving in the world. You hear it everywhere--in TV shows, commercials, movies, at the mall. I found a plethora of videos on YouTube that use this song; my favorite is embedded below.

During a time of great stress (a.k.a. wedding planning while starting a new job and trying to go to grad school), it brought such a sense of calm over me, and still does every time I hear it. Take a few moments today to listen to this song, and relax into the peace and beauty it embodies. Mahalo.

Artist: Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Song: Somewhere Over The Rainbow / What A Wonderful World
Album: Facing Future
More Information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel_Kamakawiwo'ole



(Okay, this one's for Gabby)
(Ooh ooh...)

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dream of
Once in a lullaby
Oh, somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dream of
Dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying I, I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?

(Ooh ooh...)

How Would It Be

Today feels like a good day for "How Would It Be." A good friend gave my mom Ellis's EP as a birthday present for her trip cross-country last fall. This song quickly became part of her daily ritual due to its powerful message and infectious music. As soon as I heard it I understood why, and ended up playing it over and over and over and over again. It is still a "go to" song for both of us, the kind of music that lifts you up and carries you over the trials of your day.

Please, do yourself a favor, visit Ellis's website, listen to her music, find a venue where she's playing near you. Funny, honest, open, entertaining, deep, powerful--she is a true treasure. I saw her in Santa Cruz in December and I fell even more in love with her. And I can even forgive her for re-recording "How Would It Be," even though I thought the version on the EP was infinitely better than the version that ended up on the full album, because she's that awesome. So, how would you change your life if you learned that the ground was really sky? Would you stop walking and learn how to fly?

Artist: Ellis
Song: How Would It Be
Album: Break The Spell
Website: http://www.ellis-music.com/
Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5Exkqp2FVo



V1: How would it be if everything that you thought you knew
Was turned upside down opposite from your point of view
How would you feel if the ground was really the sky and all of this
time you've been walkin' when you coulda been ...flying

V2: If you run a thousand miles a minute you can expect
to wear out a few pairs of shoes
If you forget how to love and take it for granted
You can expect to wear out people close to you

Ch: What if all the birds were flying just to show us
All the trees were really holdin' the sky up
And everything that you do matters somehow
What if heaven and hell was right now

V3. How would it be if you really created your life?
Stories you told, the good and bad, that they come alive
And how would it change if your words were like nails and wood?
You build your house, but you forget that it's just a house
You can rebuild it

Ch: What if all the birds were flying just to show us
All the trees were really holdin' the sky up
Everything that you do matters in the end
What if all of our mistakes are forgiven?

Br: What if love is a lot of listening
A little bit of time not pretending
We are caught up in a world of daydreams
What if loving what you have is everything?

Ch out: What if all the birds were flying just to show us
And all the trees were really holdin' the sky up
And everything that you do matters so much
How would you change your life?
How would you change your life?

Blossoming

I already feel like I've been on a roller coaster and it's only 9:30! I woke up this morning really tense, my whole body aching from head to toe. I'd had a long night of not sleeping well, presumably because my back hurt but substantially because I've had underlying money worries all week. I dragged myself out of bed a little before 6, set myself up on the couch with an ice pack, and started to do my morning pages. I grumbled for a little while but finally just started asking myself questions. What is it going to take for me not to let stress show up in my body? What do I need to learn in order to kick my money issues once and for all? What is the source of this fear that I can feel rumbling around in my tummy?

The bottom line? As Marianne Williamson says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." The more I recognize that I need to take risks, the push myself out of my shell, to claim my power, the louder the voice of fear becomes in my head. But as Anais Nin said, "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." I know that this change is necessary and I know that now is the time and I know that I am ready to live my life like Ellis suggests: "How would it be if everything that you thought you knew / Was turned upside down opposite from your point of view / How would you feel if the ground was really the sky and all of this / time you've been walkin' when you coulda been flying." Yeah baby, yeah!

So I got out a pad of paper and wrote down each of my fears on its own page. Then I went back and added the old patterns that surface, enabling those fears to gain footing in my consciousness. I took my 11 slips of paper, a pile of pillows, and a whiffle bat and I bashed each fear or pattern. Hallelujah! The paper was really too light for this process and so it would float up in the air, which immediately made me laugh. So I kept bashing and laughing and bashing and laughing until I felt completely filled with love and light and laughter. The weight of those fears and patterns had lifted. I danced around my living room for a little while, high on the feeling of lightness, then scooped up the slips of paper and held a burning bowl ritual. I took the slips one by one, stated my intention for what I am now accepting in my life, and watched the words burn away, going back into the nothingness from whence they came. When I was done, I took out my sage and smudged myself and my apartment, acknowledging that today is a new day, and that I am starting fresh.

I find ritual soothing, a way of getting a message out of my head and into my body. While it might not be necessary in order to affect change, for me it feels like one of the better tools in my toolbox, a tried and true method of getting things to move in a direction that feels good. Like anything else, it's a process, and I may need to do another ritual next week, next month, or even tomorrow, but for right now, I feel free to fly. Namaste.

California

Today is one of those days where you truly appreciate Joni Mitchell's song California. No matter how beautiful the rest of the world is, California is home. "So I bought me a ticket / I caught a plane to Spain / Went to a party down a red dirt road / There were lots of pretty people there / Reading Rolling Stone, reading Vogue / They said, how long can you hang around? / I said a week, maybe two / Just until my skin turns brown / Then I'm going home to California / California I'm coming home / Oh will you take me as I am / Strung out on another man / California I'm coming home."

It was 75 and sunny today, the prototypical beautiful California day. Plus, my cleaning lady came today--I know, such a splurge but SO worth it--so I vacated the premises for the afternoon. I went for a walk around downtown. I meditated by a fountain. I infected people with my smiling, so that as I passed they broke out into big grins as well. I browsed an arts and crafts store, imagining all the creative projects I could undertake. I hung out at Starbucks and watched the people come and go, read a book. It was pure bliss. And then when I came home, my apartment smelled like that wonderful smell that tells me Vilma has been here, everything is clean and in its place and the world is orderly and wonderful, and I felt as close to perfection as I probably ever will. Ah yes, today was absolutely fantastic.

I wonder what new and exciting fun tomorrow will bring?

Nietzsche Quote

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

~Friedrich Nietzsche

May I Suggest

While technically this is a second Ellis Paul song (funny, because while I do enjoy him, I really don't listen to that much of his music), I tend think of it as a Vance Gilbert song, and while really it's a collaboration from an album they released in 2003, they didn't write the lyrics--it is actually a Susan Werner song. Phew!

I fell in love with Vance at Falcon Ridge Folk Festival back in 1997. Falcon Ridge is a music lover's dream, especially if you also love to dance. Vance Gilbert was such a treat to experience--funny and sweet, with an amazing voice that is both powerful and light. Vance and Ellis have been friends for a long time, so it seems natural they would release an album together. Side of the Road has many great songs on it, but "May I Suggest" has always been my favorite. Right now I find the lyrics especially fitting--this truly is the best time of my life--but I can understand how that still applies when appearances tell you something different. No matter which side of that coin you find yourself on today, may I suggest you live like it's a beautiful day, live like there's no tomorrow, live like you really mean it.

Artist: Ellis Paul & Vance Gilbert
Song: May I Suggest
Album: Side of the Road
Websites:
http://www.vancegilbert.com/
http://www.ellispaul.com/
More information:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vance_Gilbert
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellis_Paul

May I suggest
May I suggest to you
May I suggest this is the best part of your life
May I suggest
This time is blessed for you
This time is blessed and shining almost blinding bright
Just turn your head
And you'll begin to see
The thousand reasons that were just beyond your sight
The reasons why
Why I suggest to you
Why I suggest this is the best part of your life

There is a world
That's been addressed to you
Addressed to you, intended only for your eyes
A secret world
Like a treasure chest to you
Of private scenes and brilliant dreams that mesmerise
A lover's trusting smile
A tiny baby's hands
The million stars that fill the turning sky at night
Oh I suggest
Oh I suggest to you
Oh I suggest this is the best part of your life

There is a hope
That's been expressed in you
The hope of seven generations, maybe more
And this is the faith
That they invest in you
It's that you'll do one better than was done before
Inside you know
Inside you understand
Inside you know what's yours to finally set right
And I suggest
And I suggest to you
And I suggest this is the best part of your life

This is a song
Comes from the west to you
Comes from the west, comes from the slowly setting sun
With a request
With a request of you
To see how very short the endless days will run
And when they're gone
And when the dark descends
Oh we'd give anything for one more hour of light

And I suggest this is the best part of your life

Copyright Susan Werner/Virago Music, BMI

Baby steps

Life is such an interesting journey, isn't it? What I'm especially in awe of these days is how even though the light often only shines on the very next step, it is always leading you somewhere that enables your growth. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I needed this time off to help slow me down, enabling me to change direction without skidding out of control. But that is not what I thought 4 or 5 months ago, which is why I ended up with a knee injury that forced me to literally SIT for weeks until the way I was thinking about things had shifted enough to start the real change. I can still feel healing taking place in my soul, and I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to take some time off, to retreat from the world for a spell.

A month ago the pendulum had swung so far the other way that I was feeling panicky about the idea of a full-time job, feeling like this retreat was necessary for me indefinitely. But somewhat out of the blue, I'm feeling pulled in a different direction. My soul recognizes that while this time off has given me what I needed to connect more deeply with Source, it is now time for me to connect with people, and to do that, I need to be out in the world, a tangible being for folks to interact with, so that I can continue along my growth path and share my gifts with the world.

I had an interview last night, and it was kind of funny, because my brain went through the full range of patterns that it usually does in these circumstances. I slept really poorly as the mini-computer in my head did all of its calculations and ran through its infinite scenarios and told me all of the reasons why this job is a bad fit for me, focusing especially on that belief that a full-time job would distract me from my purpose. The interesting thing was that when I woke up this morning, my head was still. All that was left was the idea that I needed to speak to my guides, speak to that Intelligence deep within me to see what it thought--in other words, what the REAL me thought about all of this. And the answer wasn't entirely surprising considering the messages I've received over the past few months. I was reminded that the voice that keeps me from sleeping is the voice of fear, that what really makes me anxious about this job is that it would force me to show up in the work world in a deeply different way than I ever have before. But it also reminded me that this job is an opportunity for me to take the way I've been showing up in my spiritual world, i.e. as a Practitioner, and apply it to a work environment, to use the skills that I have honed on that path out in the world in a new way.

I honestly don't know what will happen with this job, and that is really okay with me. But what I do know now is that whatever happens, I will continue to grow and to be given steps that take me on the path that ultimately lead to my goal. The light may not show me very much, but it always shows me what I need to see, and when I take the steps I'm guided to take, I always get to experience even more of the divine way that things flow together. Namaste.

The grounding, Part III

My head feels like it is completely bubbling over with all the great stuff I've learned this week. I love how life continues to throw me curve balls and sometimes I flub them and sometimes I just hit them out of the park, but regardless of the outcome I'm always learning something. One of the biggest things I've learned this week probably should have been obvious -- although those are the things that usually take me longer to figure out -- which is that grounding is an ongoing process. It's not like getting a tattoo or something where you can see immediate results and there's not a significant amount of maintenance, you have to work on it a little bit each day. And there's not a magic tonic that will always work -- you have to find balance even within the act of grounding.

While Wednesday was all about getting organized, yesterday was about Abundance and Nature. And yes, those are capital-letter concepts for me. I was absolutely thrilled because I finally got my first freelancing check. Phew! I've been biting my nails for a few weeks now, anxious because while I absolutely did not want to put a single penny more on the credit card, the cash on-hand wasn't enough to cover our expenses. Yesterday's check was for three weeks of work and I felt such a flood of relief pour through me as I reviewed our financial situation. I did what I'd been putting off doing for a while now -- I shined a light on our expenses and put together a plan of where our money is going for the next couple of months. The whole time I was doing it, I could feel my center getting more secure, I could feel the concept of Abundance flowing through my body, and I felt so steady, so stable, so . . . grounded. It was like a lightbulb went off in my body that said, Eureka! Feeling secure about my finances makes me feel grounded! I know, Duh! But it was good for me to see the truth of it and to really feel it through and through.

The other thing I did was to take a lovely 3-mile walk at the reservoir. I'd had plans to go with a friend and when she had to cancel, I could feel myself start to think about the other things this would open me up to do at home that afternoon. Thankfully, an inner voice rang out loud and clear reminding me how important it is for me to get outside while the sun is shining, to connect with nature, and to be active in the process. Riding high on this concept, I also made plans with some friends to go to the beach next weekend (I really hope it doesn't rain), knowing how walking alongside the ocean is both necessary and something I never do often enough. I don't know if it's because I'm a water sign, but rivers, lakes, oceans, ponds, even puddles speak to me deeply. It's always been interesting to me that the two places that ground me the most are the desert and the ocean -- the presence and absence of water, yet both teaming with life. I can feel my energy shift in their presence.

Ah, I feel very content this morning. I feel like I am opening up, like this experience of grounding has made it possible for me to connect more deeply with myself, with Source, and with those around me. And I feel such FLOW happening -- I registered for the Avon Breast Walk and people are already coming out of the woodwork to walk with me, I have an interview lined up for Sunday, and I even feel short story ideas beginning to bubble up. Yes, please! I love this process, I love the learning, I love the living of it. Namaste.

The grounding, Part II

This process of grounding is truly a process. While I did finish the task I set out to accomplish yesterday, it did not leave me with the feeling of relief and order that I was hoping for. The good news is that I can now be lazy and not have to look for things (ha ha ha). The bad news is that it seems the whole apartment needs this type of overhaul. Our place is pretty small and our hobbies tend to take up a lot of space. The office bears the brunt of this and until we have more room in which to set up a system of organization that can actually be maintained, order really needs to be restored fairly regularly or we just have to live with the consequences. Office aside, the kitchen really needs to be tackled, and then when that's done, I should really do something about old magazines, and then go through the paperbacks to see which ones can be donated to new homes, and then there are closets that need some reorienting, and then . . .

When does it end? At what point does getting organized become just being a perfectionist, or only seeing what's wrong instead of being able to see what's right? Or is that just "all or nothing" thinking, where if one thing is organized then everything else should be, and if one thing is disorganized everything might as well be? And what about Nietzsche's discovery, "You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star" -- where is there room for my creative chaos?

As with everything else, it seems, I need to find a balance here. Order enables me to be still, to reduce distractions, to see clearly, and chaos enables me to mix things up, to get silly and crazy and messy and see what happens. Order provides the grounding so that when I am open at the top, truly connected to that divine creativity that is calling me to expand, I can be stretched yet maintain my connection to the earth. One of the reasons I love Yael Naim's Far Far so much is that she's talking about that birthing process, praying for something to happen to her, feeling the beautiful mess inside and recognizing where it will lead. "I guess I'll have to give it birth / To give it birth / There's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere." Sometimes things have to get messy before we can get clear, but that mess needs space in which it can live and breathe and feel safe once the birthing process is complete.

So I will continue to ground myself, to get organized and nurture myself and my family. And I will continue to reach out into the stars, to let things get a little messy and see where it leads, knowing that I have laid the foundation that makes it possible for me to find order and clarity when I need to. Namaste.

Little Wonders

I bought another song from iTunes today. I know, I'd say this explains why I'm short on cash, but I used $0.99 of a gift certificate I've had for over a year, so it wasn't actually a large investment. It was a song -- Little Wonders by Rob Thomas -- that I've been hearing on the radio on and off lately, but I'd never really listened to.

I was struck tonight by the simplicity and the truth of its lyrics. "Our lives are made / In these small hours / These little wonders / These twists & turns of fate / Time falls away / But these small hours / These small hours still remain." In other words, our lives are now, our lives are in the little things, are lives are always happening, and while we're waiting for the big stuff to happen, our lives are really made up in the little wonders we usually deem inconsequential.

Wow, good stuff. Now from what I can tell, it's only on the Meet the Robinsons soundtrack, so iTunes may be your best bet. Then again, Rufus Wainwright is a lot of fun . . .

Song: Little Wonders
Artist: Rob Thomas
Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT6EVIIcLLo
Website: http://www.robthomasmusic.com/
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rob_Thomas_(musician)

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But I cannot forget
The way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away, yeah, but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

The grounding, Part I

I have made such a mess. As part of my grounding work, I decided it was time to tackle a project I've been putting off since I quit my job -- the filing cabinet. Now, it wouldn't be that big of a deal if I already had a filing cabinet that just needed reorganizing. Taking something that was once organized and making it organized yet again is right up my alley. This undertaking is much larger, and more daunting, hence the postponement. Since we replaced the furniture in the office last spring, our files, as well as just about everything else that was in some sort of drawer previously, have been living in moving boxes underneath my desk. Add to that the utter chaos created by thoughts like, Oh, I can just figure out where to put this when I organize the filing cabinet, and you've got a pretty big mess. And cleaning it up makes an even bigger mess -- the floor of my office is now completely full of little piles of stuff that need homes to be found.

My flight responses are kicking in pretty hard. I'm thinking of all the other things I could be doing right now -- physical therapy, clothes shopping, applying for jobs -- stuff that usually I'm incredibly resistant to that now sounds like the most fun I could possibly be having. I gave myself permission to take a break, to do a quick post, but then I'm diving back in.

The good news is that this is a wonderful exercise in ordering my life and my mind. I had to file some of the easier stuff, just to make room on the floor, and with it came a sense of calm. I can imagine what finishing will feel like, and I feel the beginning inkling of joy with those thoughts, but that can be distracting too. In the meantime, I have to just keep focused on the task at hand, keep plugging away at throwing things out, sorting things into piles of like concepts, seeing the order in the midst of the chaos.

I know that this exercise is part of my grounding process, but it feels like you have to completely unground first in order to find your center, to locate even ground on which you might ultimately find stable footing. It's a little disorienting, but I trust in the end result, and in my ability to see Truth behind appearances. Glad I honed that skill ages ago -- it is definitely coming in handy now! Namaste.

Yum-o

I can't wait to make dinner tonight. I was really enjoying cooking healthy meals there for a while, but I got off track along with everything else. I'm excited to get back into it again! I've been a believer in "all things in moderation" for a while now, and collect cookbooks and diet books aimed at this concept. My latest favorite is Eat, Drink, and Weigh Less by Mollie Katzen and Walter Willett, M.D. I love Mollie Katzen and her Moosewood cookbooks, so already this book had something going for it, but it's got a simple, informative, understandable style that makes food consumption akin to common sense. Go figure. Plus, the recipes are all Mollie's and they're wonderful. Some are super easy, others a little more time intensive, but all of them are yummy. Plus, she makes it easy for me to adapt meals to accommodate both vegetarians, like me, and omnivores, like my husband. Very cool.

The Witch of Portobello, interestingly enough, has just a couple of paragraphs about diet, but I loved them. Almost as an afterthought, the main character, Athena, talks about diets as both unnecessary and unhealthy. Mostly she talks about the struggle to remain thin as we age as a battle that can consume energy that would be better invested in spiritual labors. My favorite part is when she says, "Eat in moderation, but take pleasure in eating: it isn't what enters a person's mouth that's evil, but what leaves it." Oh yeah. So I am taking pleasure in eating my three meals a day, and taking pleasure in preparing those meals as well. It feels so self-nurturing, a practice that I can always do more of.

I'm actually making quite a bit of food tonight, however we'll just be having a little of everything. I expect the leftovers to be yummy. We'll start with Ten-Minute Tomato Soup -- I haven't tried it yet, but it looks simple, garlicky, and delicious. Chicken and Quorn (a vegetarian chicken) cook easily on the grill. I'll bake a couple of sweet potatoes-- SO good and good for you too! I'm going to chop up some broccoli, putting some aside to have in a scramble for breakfast and sautéing the remainder for dinner tonight. And finally, I'm making a grain dish with cashews for a little extra protein and some whole grains. It should be relatively simple, even though with 5 dishes included it's something I never would have thought to have tried when I was working. The extra time is such a treat as I experiment with new recipes and find ways to incorporate extra servings of vegetables throughout the day.

This is part of the re-grounding I've been doing today. In addition to doing a little grocery shopping, I cleaned up, preparing the way to do some organizational tasks tomorrow. I was told today that while it great that I am opening up and connecting to Source, I have to remember to ground myself before I float away. So this is what I'm doing. We shall see how it dovetails with my goal of achieving balance this week, but so far everything I've done has felt absolutely essential. What kinds of things do you find grounding? Perhaps I can add them to the to-do list this week. Namaste.

Post-dinner note, 9pm: That thing about getting grounded before you float away is true. While my intentions were good, I kind of forgot to plan things, which meant I hadn't read all of the recipes all the way through or in a couple of days or whatnot. The gravy took twice as long as I realized and the broccoli ended up getting cold. I completely forgot about the sweet potatoes -- we'll have to have those another night -- and I didn't realize the grains needed to cook for 90+ minutes, so I improvised with some rices and the nuts. The grains actually turned out superb, by the way -- adding nuts is an excellent (and yummy) idea. The gravy was also excellent -- I threw in a little Marsala towards the end, which rounded out the flavors nicely. The soup was a downer -- it would need to be heavily edited before I'd try it again, I think -- but the broccoli was simple and tasty. All and all, I would say this would be a great meal if some of the work was done in advance, along with a lot more planning. But it was still a pleasure to eat. :)

DaVinci Quote

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

~Leonardo DaVinci

Far Far

I just downloaded this song, Far Far by Yael Naim, from iTunes -- it's one of the free discovery downloads for the week. I've already listened to it five times (make that six while I've been typing) and I can tell it will quickly become a favorite, partially for the talents of the singer-songwriter with her angelic voice, and partially for the lyrics that speak to where I am in my life. Many, many thank yous to Frannie who pointed it out to me this morning. All I can say is wow!

My favorite phrases string together like poetry: There's a beautiful mess inside . . . Take a deep breath and dive . . . I guess I'll have to give it birth . . . Deeper than you ever dared . . .

So the only place I've been able to find her eponymous album is on iTunes. She does have a single import on Amazon. She's French-Israeli, and she recorded her latest album in France last year. Apparently she participated in the Yes, We Can video supporting Barrack Obama's campaign -- maybe she's the one singing in another language? And that would be the sum total of what I know.

Note, 2/7: Apparently this import is available on Amazon now so it's possible to pick up the actual CD.

Song: Far Far
Artist: Yael Naim
Album: Yael Naim
Website: http://www.yaelweb.com/
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yael_Naim

Far, far, there's this little girl
She was praying for something to happen to her
Everyday she writes words and more words
Just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
And she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
Take her, cover her, they are all over
The reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
Oh oh oh oh

Far far, there's this little girl
She was praying for something good to happen to her
From time to time there are colors and shapes
Dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
They invent her a new world with
Oil skies and aquarel rivers
But don't you run away already
Please don't go oh oh

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
Take a deep breath and dive
There's a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess
Beautiful mess inside

Oh beautiful, beautiful

Far far there's this little girl
She was praying for something big to happen to her
Every night she hears beautiful strange music
It's everywhere there's nowhere to hide
But if it fades she begs
"Oh lord don't take it from me, don't take it," she says

I guess I'll have to give it birth
To give it birth
I guess, I guess, I guess I have to give it birth
I guess I have to, have to give it birth
There's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

So shake it yourself now deep inside
Deeper than you ever dared
Deeper than you ever dared
There's a beautiful mess inside
Beautiful mess inside

Getting back on track

Routines. They feel both so restrictive and so necessary -- the ultimate in not being able to live with or without something. I often find them stifling, like they get in the way of my ability to get anything done. Or when there are too many things planned and scheduled, I feel like there's no room left for spontaneity or creativity. But when the pendulum swings the other way, everything gets out of whack. And without fail, what I don't end up doing -- meditation, stretching, writing, etc. -- is precisely what I need to be doing at a minimum in order to stay connected and centered and on track.

I've spent a substantial amount of time in the past few years trying to get my back straightened out. I'll throw my back out and spend weeks or even months working to get it into shape. Some days it will be better than others, I'll have the sense of improvement, and then wham, I bend to pick something up and it locks up again. I tend to hold my stress in my body -- I can often tell when I'm out of whack internally by how I feel physically -- and my neck, shoulders, and back are the places where this shows up the most. When I started going to physical therapy for my knees this fall, something amazing started to happen -- my back was getting better without my really doing anything. I'm sure there were a few things at play here -- for example, not working was alleviating a substantial amount of the stress -- but the biggest change, really, was that I had found a routine in which I was stretching nearly daily. My whole body responded beautifully to this, as if to say, Ah, she finally figured it out, thank you.

This month, I've fallen off of my physical routine. I haven't been stretching or doing my home exercises anywhere near as much as I was during November and December, and man oh man, can I ever feel the difference. Combine that with a weekend where I've fallen off the rest of my routine and wow, you've got a double whammy. When I woke up this morning, my whole body hurt and I felt fuzzy, out of sync, disoriented. I stretched a little bit, did my morning pages, and I can already feel my body and my energy turning around. Next up, meditation. By the time lunch rolls around I bet I'll be flying high again.

I think the key here, as with everything else, is BALANCE. I know, I know, I'm a broken record here, but honestly, nothing could be more important to me right now. I don't know how it works, I'm still figuring it out a little bit every day, but I know it is possible to have a life that is both routined and spontaneous, that is both spiritual and down-to-earth, that is both fulfilling and fun. This is my intention for today and for the week -- to find that balance, to stay connected and on track yet still have fun, to be open to the messages I receive and trust that there is plenty of time to follow where they lead. Namaste.

Underdog

What an amazing game today. There is something affirming about rooting for the underdog and then seeing them win. The Giants were a wild card team -- they were expected to lose every playoff game AND the Super Bowl, but they didn't let other people's expectations affect their vision of themselves. They just got out there and played like they deserved to be there, ultimately proving to everyone else that they did. It's an inspirational concept we can all apply to some aspect of our lives. It's kind of akin to "Act As If" -- if you act as if you've already reached your goals, everything else will fall into place to actually make you reach those goals. Good stuff.

So, my back is still not 100%, but it is healing amazingly quickly. I'm going to do my part by going to bed now and getting a good night's sleep. I don't know what it is, but this week feels like it is going to be HUGE. Keep your eyes open and let me know what unfolds for you too. Namaste.

Which way is up?

Such a busy, crazy, wild, roller coaster week. Just got home from "Little Shop of Horrors," the story come to life as a musical. It was a nice cap to this week full of many ups and downs and lefts and rights. This has been a good experience in LIFE and what happens when we're asked to just flow with it. One day I can barely tell where I end and the universe begins, and the next my back is out and I'm having to ice and limp around and be gimpy. The day of resistance was followed with a day of such flowering, such beautiful synchronicity. The huge blow up fight with Sean turned into a mega-opportunity for healing for us on many levels. I've had more than my average amount of socialness combined with much, much alone time. I've had days where I didn't want to talk to a soul and days where all I wanted to do was reach out and touch the world and the world touched me back. What a week, eh?

So just a short note full of love and light and laughter. I am still here, preparing myself and looking forward to what next week will bring. Namaste.

A first attempt

While I was waiting for some feedback this morning, I got out the watercolor pencils and pad of paper that my mother had given me for Christmas. These first attempts are far from artistic, but I had fun making them. I especially like that I get to both draw and paint. I really enjoyed the process -- it's incredibly precise and incredibly imprecise at the same time. I'll have to keep playing with them and discover which techniques work better, but in the meantime, it's just plain fun.

So these photos didn't turn out so well -- they're a little blurry -- but here they are. The first one started out as a lady dancing, and turned into, well, the bottom 2/3 of a lady. :)


The second one is of the bunch of tulips I picked up at the farmer's market last weekend.

And today I was a bum

Remember when I asked if you would send a search party into the world of resistance if you didn't hear from me? Yeah, well, today was that day. Not that you could tell since I only post once a day anyway, but yeah, today was knee-deep-in-resistance mode. Unless, of course, my path includes the occasional day wasted in front of the XBOX playing Carcassonne and Settlers of Catan, which I'm guessing it probably doesn't.

This is really typical for me -- I have a great couple of days with some good aha! moments and then resistance reaches up from its murky depths and claims me. The good news in all of this is that I got myself into such an antsy state that I want to work now. I cleaned the house and I'm even doing some freelance, a strictly morning (or maybe early afternoon) activity. What I'm trying desperately not to do is to berate myself for this, just to recognize it as resistance and move along. That's probably harder for me than anything else, but again, I'm seeing it and letting it go. Mostly I'm just grateful this resistance phase was short lived.

If you don't see me tomorrow, fear not -- I'll be moving so fast resistance won't have time to get a hold of me. I'm following a few calls -- getting my hair cut (which is apparently a second chakra balancing activity), reconnecting with a friend from high school that I haven't seen in over 15 years, meeting up with another friend for a scrumptious dinner at Cafe Gratitude (to give you an idea of how emotional I am these days, I cried when I read the menu), and finally rounding it out with another friend at a metaphysical bookstore where I'll be doing some affirmative prayer work for her. Phew! All this after freelancing in the morning. Now I just have to remember to breathe! Namaste.

Sure-As-Not

When I first graduated college, I worked for a music store for about 6 months -- Hear Music, long before Starbucks bought them and rewrote their history, but that's a tale for another day. There were many awesome things about Hear Music -- the fact that you could listen to anything in the store prior to buying it; the cool, independent, music-loving employees the store attracted; and the wide array of folk, rock, world, classical, alternative, you name it (so long as it isn't pop) music available for your listening pleasure. Sure-As-Not, and explicitly the Jungle Segue, by the Afro Celt Sound System, was one of the early loves that I got introduced to while I worked there, and an example of why working in a music store and actually trying to earn a living do not always go hand-in-hand seeing as how I bought the album pretty much as soon as I heard it.

The Afro Celt Sound System is really a lot like it sounds. Their first album, my personal favorite, was "the first fruit of a collaboration between a group of the finest African musicians, their counterparts from the Celtic communities of western Europe and several of Britain's most respected dance music producers," according to their website. It's a glorious noise, almost infectious, that gets inside of you and makes you want to move. It makes you wonder why the whole world isn't begging for an African-Celtic fusion in music, because it was obviously meant to be.

If you have a chance to pick up some Afro Celt Sound System, please do. You won't regret it. I promise.

Artist: Afro Celt Sound System
Song: Sure-As-Not
Part A: Sure-As-Not, Part B: Sure-As-Knot (Jungle Segue)
Album: Sound Magic
Website: http://realworldrecords.com/afrocelts/
Fan Site: http://www.afrocelts.org/

Paulo Coehlo Quote

But she would have paid a still higher price if she had repressed her true exuberant self. She would have been bitter and frustrated, always concerned about "what other people might think," always saying "I'll just sort these things out, then I'll devote myself to my dream," always complaining that "the conditions are never quite right."

~Paulo Coehlo, The Witch of Portobello

The Witch of Portobello

I finished reading the latest book by Paulo Coelho this morning -- The Witch of Portobello. His world-famous The Alchemist is one of my favorite books, holding up to countless readings. Only time will tell if I will feel the same way about The Witch of Portobello in, say, 10 years, but I'll tell you that today it feels like there's a pretty good chance.

To say that I read this book is misleading. It might be more accurate to say that this book moved through me, perhaps even read me instead. I was expecting something different -- when my friend Don recommended it he said he couldn't put it down, and my mother said she'd never read anything like it -- but for me what was different was how it made me feel, how it called to my soul. I've felt discomfited for days, uncomfortable, antsy. It reminded me quite a bit of reading a spiritual version of Daniel Quinn, especially The Story of B (which, by the way, I have something like four extra copies of if you're ever interested in reading it). I never could just read one of Daniel Quinn's books, I always had to combine them with action. In the case of The Witch of Portobello, I've been compelled to perform personal actions. While I do feel compelled to teach, I also feel compelled to dance, to sing, to paint on large canvasses. Meditation serves an important purpose for me, a connection, but I need to do something akin to its opposite, something big and passionate and powerful. I need to unfurl, to express, to UNLEASH whatever is pent up inside of me.

After my mediation this morning, I put on a CD and closed my eyes and just moved to the music. I don't typically think of myself as graceful -- in fact, just the opposite -- but I felt grace moving through me, lifting my arms and pointing my toes and twirling me around and around. I felt the rhythm of the earth come up through my feet and into my body. I felt totally vibrant, totally alive, and connected in an incredibly deep way. Sure, I've danced around my living room before, but I've never experienced anything like this. I felt my first natural high while dancing, something like 10 years ago. I always thought that I would need the crowds and music of a dance festival to engender that kind of high on a repeat basis, but now I know how simple it can be, and how necessary it feels.

Next up, a drumming circle. I've been hearing this message grow louder and louder in my head over this past year. The drums are calling me, and I know there's an opening up waiting inside me when I answer. What is calling you? And what is keeping you from answering that call? Whatever it is, listen only to the call. Follow where it leads and you will find what your soul seeks. Namaste.

Dixie the Tiny Dog

I have been looking for this song everywhere, but to no avail. I'm really sorry, too, because I absolutely love it. I will tell you about it anyway, and the next time you come visit me, I'll play it for you. Peter Himmelman has outdone himself with this one. "Dixie the Tiny Dog" is funny, sweet, and memorable. The version I have is from the KFOG Acoustic Sunrise album, which means it isn't readily available for public consumption. I did find another version on a special album that Peter put out, but while it is equally impossible to lay hands on, it is regrettably not as good a version.

So here are the lyrics to the KFOG version. Imagine a proud little dachshund clicking along your kitchen floor as you read them.

Artist: Peter Himmelman
Website: http://www.peterhimmelman.com/
Song: Dixie the Tiny Dog
Album: KFOG Acoustic Sunrise

I'm a tiny dog named Dixie,
I have small feet which pitter patter on the linoleum floor,
You can hear my toenails in the middle of the night.
My tag says I belong to the Johnsons, but they don't own me,
They just feed me, they just bought me one day.
No one owns me, I'm Dixie the tiny dog.

And in the middle of the day I sit in the sun
And I hear young children call me a weiner dog,
Perhaps that's what I am.
The Germanic term is dachshund, and I like that,
I'm thin and I'm proud and no one can make fun of me.
I can slip through the bars of a prison if I were ever incarcerated,
But I don't know what I would do wrong.
My body yield no evil inclinations.
I'm a pure weiner dog.

My name is Dixie and I go dancing 'cross the floor
In the evening of the Johnsons when everyone is sleeping.
Sometimes I look for a morsel of food, but they're so clean
They're almost anal-retentive in their cleanliness habits
And there's nothing for me.
But I don't despair
Because I know tomorrow my Gaines Burgers will be there
And they will unwrap the plastic from them
And then feed me this succulent dish, and I will eat.

And oh, I've watched the German Shepherds with their long necks,
Their graceful necks, dipping into the toilet to drink whenever they want
To have a drink of cool water in that well.
But I must plead, I must beg, I must whine
For Mr. Johnson to put out my bowl,
Or one of the Johnson boys to refill it after I drink it,
Because I'm Dixie the dog and I like water.

And in the middle of the night you can see me dancing
A small Fred Astaire tap dance, with my little toenails
They go click click click against the linoleum
And I run down the hall and I slide
And the back of me goes in front of me . . . slowly.
I'm long and I'm thin. I'm Dixie the tiny dog and I like it.

We're walking, we're walking

Oh sunshine, how I do love thee. It promised to be another gray, rainy day today, especially during the hail this morning. I find hail absolutely fascinating, by the way, one of those oddities of life that always remind me of the infinite nature of the universe. Shortly after the hail stopped, the sun came out. I was almost bummed because I really needed to get some work done this morning, but I promised myself that I could go for a walk after I was finished. I got to practice a sort of waking meditation as my lack of focus was greater than usual. But I continued to gently close browser windows, return my attention to my work, and wrapped everything up within a few hours.

I headed up to one of my favorite places on earth, the Crystal Springs reservoir, along which the Sawyer Camp Trail runs for six miles between highway 280 and the water. It is simply spectacular over there, with a nice paved trail for easy access. Even if I'm having an absolutely lousy day, a walk at the reservoir heals all wounds, renews my sense of connection, restores my energy. I think it's the grounding created by the meeting of the sky, the hills, and the water -- it grounds me, too.

I needed that grounding today -- I had let myself get off track this weekend. I'm not sure what it is about weekends, perhaps old habits that die hard, but my routine gets thrown completely off and sometimes I don't regain my rhythm until Monday. That's what happened this time, so much so that it was after breakfast on Monday before I even started laying the foundation for regaining my rhythm. But I did the work, plugging away at my resistance until it had dissipated. The walk was the icing on the cake, but necessary icing. I think it was what I needed to finish the restoration process so that the remainder of my week could be more on track. I feel like a new person already, but I know there's still inner work to be done, in addition to the outer work.

It's one of the funny things about this path. I did so much good inner work last week that things continued to bubble up and bubble up all weekend. My mind wanted a rest and kicked up all the resistance it could muster. But those bubbles kept coming. And when I sat down to do my morning pages this morning, I practically had a laundry list of all the work that was on tap for this week. It's some pretty good stuff, too, all about what the next steps are for me on my journey to do my soul's work. It includes finding work writing about the things I'm passionate about, starting a spiritual group with meditation and reading and discussion, surrounding myself with interesting, passionate, soul-searching women. And from there, well, the sky's the limit, really. Wish me luck . . . and gentleness. I suspect I'll need them both. Namaste.