Sweet Mistakes

"Sweet Mistakes" seems like a great way to open up this blog* because it's just such a great song from every angle. Ellis Paul is, of course, an incredible songwriter. He combines insightful lyrics with upbeat, catchy tunes that reel you in. You find yourself humming the melody, then singing along, and then suddenly you realize what the song is about on your 12th time through.

That's what happened to me with Sweet Mistakes. I loved the song instantly but it took time for me to figure out why. Its chorus talks about one of the keys to life -- learning from our mistakes, being grateful for the opportunities to make them, because it is through them that we grow and change. The mistakes we've made may have hurt when they were happening, but time heals all wounds, and they are part of what makes you who you are today.

But there's a larger meaning to this song too. It's about living your life *your* way, being Who You Really Are, and how the world just laps it up and asks for more. It's about the power of faith. And it's about peace and gratitude, too. It packs quite a lot of punch, and it's fun to sing along with to boot. :)

Artist: Ellis Paul
Website: http://www.ellispaul.com/
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellis_Paul
Song: Sweet Mistakes
Albums: Sweet Mistakes; The Speed of Trees; Essentials

Pop the cork, a champagne glass
Raise to the future, drink to the past
Thank the Lord for the friends he cast,
In the play he wrote for you.
And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch
Blaze a trail to her front porch
Kiss her till your lips are scorched
Till the rain comes down on you

[chorus]
Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumbled you down to your knees.
That brought you to this place
Changing you by degrees...
When change was just what you needed...
What you needed...

So if you live your life in a three piece suit,
In a cocktail dress, or combat boots
You pick your path, you walk your truth
And the world will come round to you.
It's a long strange ride, I can't tell you why
But there's a place in your pocket where peace can abide
You pull it out, it's a compass, a guide
And it will put a little soul on you.

[repeat chorus]

[bridge]
And in this wild blue world
There is a soul weavin' fine feelin' girl
You've got to walk in paradise to find a pearl
If you only believe,
You'll get what you need...
What you needed...
Conquer your fear and you'll master the game,
Life is always and never the same.
Use a little faith to light the flame
And I know you'll connect to you.

[repeat chorus]

Pop the cork, a champagne glass
Raise to the future, drink to the past
Thank the Lord for the friends he cast,
In the play he wrote for you.

Copyright Ellis Paul Publishing SESAC

* I temporarily had a separate music blog and this was my first post on it.

My dark side

My dark side is rearing its ugly head this morning. It's like a cacophony of voices ringing in my head, the voices of fear saying, You'll never be good enough... you're not special... there are thousands of writers and coaches and intuitives and teachers and healers out there. What makes you think you're special? What makes you think you've got something unique or different to say? And the best one of all -- Who do you think you are?

Ah yes, the dark side. My negative self-talk that often masquerades as rational, critical thinking. It can sound so self-protective sometimes, like when a parent is trying to let their child down easy, or give advice the child doesn't really want to hear. Other times it sounds harsh, cruel, angry, throwing past failures (or even current) in my face as if to say, See? If you'd just listened to me in the first place, this never would have happened. And when I'm feeling a little down, what those voices are saying make so much sense. I start thinking you're right, I'm being totally silly here, I should try something more practical, something safe. But something inside of me knows there's only one thing that voice of fear has said that's entirely true -- if I had listened to it in the first place, this never would have happened. The voice means it to be reprimanding, to suggest that next time I should follow its advice. But the real truth is that making those mistakes, putting myself out there in such a way that there's even a possibility of failure is the only way I'm going to grow, the only way I'm going to learn.

You'll hear people talk about not being able to follow their dreams because look how old they are. I can't go to film school, medical school, etc. -- I'm already 30, or 40, or 50! But what they aren't considering is that if they don't go follow that dream, they'll still be however old they are and stuck in the same unfulfilled place they are now. I do not want to be one of those people. What I want more than anything else in this life is to shake off all these feelings of "should have" and "supposed to," all this practical, intellect-based thinking, and really FEEL, really and truly LIVE. And the only way I'm going to be able to do that is to take leaps of faith, to continue to push the envelope, to come out of hiding, to integrate all of the facets of my personality into one ME and show her off to the whole world. And sometimes I'm going to fall flat on my face and bang up my knees (literally and figuratively), but I will always have the support I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again tomorrow.

What is your dream? What would living your life fully look like? What aren't you doing today that feels like a gaping hole in your life, even if it's a hole that has never been filled? You show me yours and I'll show you mine. And then maybe, we can give each other a boost, help each other unfurl those wings, and give flying a try together. Namaste.

What's The Matter

I was really struck by the lyrics of Catie Curtis's "What's The Matter" today. I don't know why I never really noticed this song before, but it's such a good one. I'm really on a heavy music kick this week. Not that I don't always love music and feel connected through music, but I'm just really conscious of it right now. It's like modern poetry. It makes me want to write a song.

I'm keeping it short today and sharing the lyrics of this amazing song with you. Namaste.

What's The Matter

I love this town you can see the stars at night
Even from downtown
'Cause there are no city lights
This town was my biggest fan
'Til I was who I am

CHORUS:
What's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask if why be afraid of this girl
What's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world

I love this town the moon is dancing on the waves
And in the bars half of them are underage
People let a lot slip by
When they look a lot alike

CHORUS

What if I am Black or Jew
Straight or queer mother of two
Run around in a hippie dress
Ride my bike in a leather vest
What's the matter

I love this town where I climbed the apple trees
And that was me cheering for the hometown team
I've got something to give
In this town where I want to live

So what's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask if why be afraid of this girl
What's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask is why be why be
What's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world
Why be afraid

Music makes the world go round

I've spent a substantial part of the day today working. Shocking, I know. I'm really enjoying freelancing because it gives me something a little different to sink my teeth into each day. Today, however, what I enjoyed the most was the opportunity to sit in one place for most of the day listening to music. I have such strong associations with the concept of "work" not being fun -- even though I always laughed a lot and made having fun at the office a priority -- that I felt a little guilty having enjoyed this background aspect of my workday. Yes, something for me to eradicate before I create my next work experience, because I genuinely believe that when your work is play, you are more productive and happier to boot.

Not really surprising after my giddy post last night, I'm enamored with Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. I made myself a "Falling Slowly" station on Pandora and have been listening to it for the past few hours. It's given me additional joy by reminding me of songs I love by Damien Rice (Cold Water), Rosie Thomas (Kite Song), Blue October (Into the Ocean), and Colin Hay (Overkill). Across the universe, Ellis, who has the honor of being the most recent musical love of my life, sent out an email update and included a music video she made for one of her new songs. While it is silly and obviously low budget, I absolutely love the song and played it a few times and danced around my office for a bit.

I swear, music makes the world go round. It is one of the primary ways that I connect emotionally with the rest of the world. Each song has its own little universe contained in it full of love and heartbreak and passion and life. A good song fills up me, makes me FEEL in such a way that my heart wants to burst with its emotion. I'll laugh, and cry, and laugh and cry some more, and then replay the song and do it all over again. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would pick a handful of really talented but mostly unknown singer-songwriters and fund their music careers so that they could share their powerful magic with more of the world.

Who do you love right now? Who knocks you out and makes you want to dance and fills you with passion? Help me in my eternal quest to expand my musical horizons, and thereby my heart and soul. Namaste.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Don!

Once

Oh wow. And wow again. I've had the soundtrack to Once for months but hadn't seen the movie until tonight. Actually, I'm only 30 minutes in and I had to stop to listen to the soundtrack again. I'm falling in love with this movie in a long-term, passionate way and it is 85% because of the music. The other 15% is the wonderful acting and emotion portrayed by the characters, which so far is definitely worth watching and promises to only get better. But the music, especially the primary song Falling Slowly, is just so beautifully haunting it makes me want to cry with the enormity of the emotion. It's like a direct hit to the heart. If you haven't seen this movie or heard this soundtrack, do yourself a favor and get a hold of it as soon as you can. You won't regret it, I promise.

Follow up note, 1/17/08: I finally was able to finish the movie this evening. As promised, it was FANTASTIC. This is one to own!

Finding balance

I have to laugh at myself for not posting yesterday. It's almost like I've been doing so much work and had so much come up for me that I short-circuited my brain and ended up with nothing to write about. As I sit here now I can feel myself being torn in different directions. What's most important for me right now -- my finances? My freelance work? Balancing my chakras? Coming out of hiding? Nurturing myself? Making healthy (and yummy) food choices? Getting my body moving? Connecting with people I value? Being comfortable in my own skin? Just thinking about it all makes the short-circuit kick back in again. I think the key thing for me to focus on in the midst of all of this is BALANCE.

Balance is one of those words you hear people talk about a lot these days. It's trendy, even, which seems odd for something that is so essential to living well. But what does balance look like really? I can tell you one thing for sure -- it does not look like perfection. I think we all have an idea in our heads of what our life would look like if everything were going perfectly. For me, I'd be up early, meditate and do my morning practice, go for a run, eat a healthy breakfast, write a chapter of my book -- all before 10am. It honestly makes my stomach churn to think about how that would play out in reality. I think the key is more to take things one at a time, to live in the moment and be fully committed to what you're doing right now, to mix things up a little bit and not get too hung up on a routine, to make sure each day has a little bit of each of the key ingredients without being too heavy on a single one (love, connection, work, play).

When I first left my job, I made lists of everything I was going to do each day. By the time 3pm rolled around, I was exhausted and hadn't even come close to finishing everything on the daily list, let alone the bigger projects I planned to undertake in my time off. Since then I've discovered what works better for me is to have sort of groups of lists, and to do at least one thing from each group every day. This flows organically for me, to the point that I don't need to look at the list very often. I use it more of a reminder of the things I could do instead of having it weigh me down under the burden of things I should do. And it's amazing how things naturally cycle. In my morning pages each day it's like I receive direction on what's important for me today and I get different messages every day depending on what I need.

Today that direction was loudly and clearly about cultivating friendships with people who like to think about the big picture, changing the world, connecting to Source, living life fully. And more specifically it was about starting with the people that are already in my life and making them more of a priority. By 10am I had already connected with three friends and made plans to meet up with some people for dinner and a discussion about life, the universe, and everything. When you set your intention and begin to take action on that intention, the universe responds in kind. I just love living my life from a place of consciousness, being aware of all of the shifts that are taking place, small and large. It makes each day an adventure to be treasured. And it's a hell of a lot more fun to boot. Have a fabulous, love- and fun-filled day. Namaste.

Order out of chaos

Today felt a bit like the universe was saying, "Oh yeah? Let's see if you really mean that." After the joy of last week's spring cleaning, I've been stoked to tackle a few other organization projects that are ready and waiting for me around the house. First up? The linen closet. I never knew you could cram so much stuff into such a small space. It had gotten so bad that the past few weeks whenever I needed to put something in there, I would just open the door, take whatever was in my hand and shove it into the first available space. It was literally overflowing. It didn't feel like that long ago since I'd tackled at least the shelf with the medicines and toiletries, but it might as well have been last millennium with the state it was in. I vowed that no matter what else came up today, I would tackle that linen closet.

Remembering the last time I'd cleaned it out, I was thinking it was an hour long job, maybe two at the outside. I got in there and started pulling stuff out and pulling stuff out and pulling stuff out until I didn't have any place to put the contents any more. But I knew that the shelves needed to be cleaned off and the carpet vacuumed so I just kept going until the closet was completely empty... and my home was an absolute disaster. By the time the closet was clean and I was ready to even begin throwing things away, let alone putting stuff back in, I'd been working for over an hour. I was beginning to understand the enormity of the task I'd taken on and it was feeling completely overwhelming. I'd like to be able to say that I saw the gift in this situation as it was happening, but I didn't -- I ended up sharing my overwhelment with my mother and husband, aka complaining. My mother, in all her wisdom, reminded me that this experience was a metaphor for life -- sometimes you have to mess things up before you can start seeing the results you are looking for. Just what I needed to hear!

This is exactly the way life works. We recognize that things in our life aren't working out the way we want them to, but we know that change can be disruptive. Moving towards our goals might even make the things we already have and enjoy in our life appear to disappear, and so all too often we stay in a place that feels less than or stuck instead of taking the steps necessary to reach a place of freedom, of more. These small scale examples are life's reminders that even in the midst of great chaos, there is always a divine order waiting for us to discover it. So go ahead, make a big mess of things, it's okay. When you come out the other side all you will be able to see is how everything fits into place beautifully.

I really have to learn to take before shots for comparison purposes, but here's an after picture of my much calmer, orderly linen closet. Aaaah... definitely worth it!

e.e. cummings Quote

yes is a world & in this world of yes live (skilfully curled) all worlds

~e.e. cummings

Room to change

It's Sunday morning and I'm moving a little bit slowly. I've been sitting in bed with my laptop doing my morning pages, checking my email, fiddling around with the blog. Somewhere in the backdrop I was aware of my cat Morgan crying, but that isn't unusual. Morgan is one of those cats who will leave the room that contains everyone else in the family and then cry as if to say, Where is everybody? So my thoughts are somewhere else completely and I hear this sort of funny scratching sound and I think she must have found a bug, which would account for the crying. I look up and instead see Morgan hanging out of the top of my chest of drawers. The front of one of the drawers fell off a while back, so I moved it to the top of the dresser and use it like a shelf for my t-shirts. Morgan had squeezed herself in amongst the piles of shirts, not very well mind you as she ended up falling right back out again. It was so startling I burst out laughing, which of course annoyed Morgan to no end. I tried to apologize to her saying it was just that I had never seen her do anything even remotely like that in all of her six years with us. She's not a jumper, having difficulty even getting up on the couch with grace, and she's not one of those cats who likes to crawl into anything and everything they can fit in. But my cats never cease to amaze me with the crazy new things they come up with, even in the midst of a life that appears to be all routine, and mostly sleep.

The truth is, however, that if we pay attention, the people in our lives can amaze us as well. The reason we don't usually notice that, however, is that we expect them not to change. Have you ever had a full conversation in your head with someone and then you're surprised later when you try to talk to them about it and they have no idea what you're talking about? We think we know the people in our lives so well that we know what they'll say or do around just about anything. The funny thing about that for me is that I am so invested in my own growth and work pretty hard to shift the way I interact with the people around me so that I am showing up more authentically -- meaning, it would be challenging for someone to know how I was going to react at any given time because I'm not sure I would know that myself in advance. So why can't I apply that concept to the other people in my life? Now, I'm not saying that we should expect people to change -- that really never works and just leaves us disappointed. I guess all I'm saying is that we should leave them room to change. Don't assume you know what your mother or your brother or your wife thinks about something -- ask them. I suspect they'll surprise you.

Resistance is futile

I'm tempted to create some giant flash cards with sayings like "You'll feel so good once you've done it!" and "Just get started!" and possibly even "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration." Something I can look at when I feel the haze of distraction coming over me to drown out the siren song that is making me want to play video games or fool around on Facebook instead of doing my morning pages or cleaning out the linen closet. This week I've been so aware of the demon of resistance raising its ugly head. It is completely insidious, and sometimes almost impossible to spot.

If you've read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy, you might remember the Somebody Else's Problem field. I always loved this concept of an invisibility field that worked because people's eyes would just slide off of something that they thought was somebody else's problem. That sort of slipping around or off of something is how I often feel when resistance is coming up. I'll be sitting at my desk cleaning out my inbox and getting organized for the day and I'll say okay, now I'm going to do my physical therapy exercises. Without me consciously noticing, my mind will throw up the equivalent of an SEP field that makes my mind slip right past that thought and remember something it wanted me to google or something I "should" do on Facebook. An hour later I'm looking back over my list of things to do today and I notice "exercises / ice" is still there. I pick up the pen and start to cross it off when it occurs to me I haven't actually done them yet. I feel a bit like I've just had a prank pulled on me and I'll get up to do my exercises and almost immediately a haze comes over me and... I have to shake myself and force my legs to carry me into the other room and start doing my work.

Resistance has one goal -- to keep us from changing. My husband likes to quote Wayne's World saying, "We fear change." And it's true! Our ego is invested in us staying the same, keeping things comfortable, and ultimately keeping us small. Our spirit is invested in us becoming more, growing and learning and expanding into the people we were born to be. When we try to follow the voice of spirit, our ego digs into its bag of tricks and starts throwing road blocks in our way. Some of them are obvious -- I've learned to recognize the voice of fear in my head and know that if it's telling me not to do something, then that's exactly what I need to do. But resistance is usually a lot more subtle, using highly honed skills of rationalization to hide its true nature. The more I pay attention to what I'm doing, thinking, and saying, the more I can recognize when I'm in resistance. I'm getting to the point where I often notice the SEP field within minutes and I can get myself back on track, but it takes practice -- give yourself a consciousness vacation and see how quickly the roots of resistance coil back around your mind. For me anyway, it's all about creating new habits. Even if they're in keeping with your spirit's goals for you, your ego recognizes them as routines and relaxes a little bit. And the more you practice staying in the present moment and truly pay attention to what's happening around you, the more prepared you'll be when your ego throws up its next resistance smoke screen. You can look the resistance right in the eye, tell it you know what it is doing, and move through it towards your goal. I promise, each step out of resistance is easier than the last, and while practice might not make perfect, it definitely does strengthen the tools you have at your disposal to release resistance more and more quickly.

Wish me luck in shifting my habits. And please, send out a search party into the lands of resistance if you don't see me for a few days. Namaste.

Strength

One of the joys of being between jobs is the flexibility inherent in the situation. If I wake up in the morning and need to spend some time on forgiveness work, I can. If a book falls off a shelf asking to be read, I can follow that urge. If nature is calling me out into its luscious depths, I can pack up and go for a walk. I am spending a lot of time listening and following the guidance I receive. Ultimately, my hope is that it will lead me to an income source, so a lot of my focus is on my life's purpose and seeing what the next step on that path looks like.

Earlier this week, the daily "big idea" email I get from thinkArete.com was about Dr. Mark Seligman's Authentic Happiness. The short idea is that if you figure out what your strengths are and use them, you will find happiness. I was, of course, intrigued and checked out the Authentic Happiness website and discovered a whole slew of interesting looking questionnaires, including the one calling to me -- Signature Strengths. My results were both unsurprising and edifying, and I feel compelled to share the top five (of 24) with you today.

My top strength is Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith. Not surprising considering how much time I am currently dedicating to my connection to my Source. I would guess that if I had taken this questionnaire a year ago, this would not have turned up number one, but today it truly is the best thing I have going for me and the source of the contentment I find in each day.

My second strength is Appreciation of beauty and excellence. This is definitely one that I try to cultivate. I happen to believe I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, so most days this is easy, but I can find beauty in anything, anyone, anywhere.

My third strength is Love of learning. Oh, if Ms. Tinsley could just see me now. I was the bane of many a schoolteacher's existence -- that kid who didn't pay attention in class, never did her homework, but still did well on tests. I always had an affinity for learning, but was so often bored it didn't come out in school until I was about halfway through college. As an adult, learning is a source of great pleasure for me, and I find myself taking classes whenever I can.

My fourth strength is Perspective (wisdom). Who knew I was so wise? I definitely do believe that we each hold a unique perspective, and mine is valuable precisely because it is uniquely mine. The unique perspectives of other individuals help me to hone my own, and I hope vice versa. The world is such an interesting place full of such interesting people. And hey, I'm one of them!

My fifth strength is Capacity to love and be loved. I love just about everyone I come in contact with. Now, that doesn't mean I always like them, but I can always find something in them to love. I am also blessed with parents whose love for me I have never had reason to doubt, affectionate and loving family members, a burgeoning family of choice (aka my friends), and the love of a supportive husband and adoring cats. It's a good place to be.

I love having the opportunity to explore and celebrate my strengths. I have spent too much of my life being my own biggest critic, focusing on all of my weaknesses and flaws. Just thinking about my strengths brings a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. Isn't that a much better place to live? I already feel that authentic happiness flooding into my life, and I've only just begun. Namaste.

The glory of emotions

I've been feeling very emotional this week. Like today, for instance, I was watching the last few minutes of Coyote Ugly while I ate my lunch. Not exactly a tearjerker, but I was totally welling up at pretty much any show of love, caring, or kindness the characters gave each other. It is a good sign for me. I am an incredibly emotional person but I was raised to believe showing that emotion was a sign of weakness. I cry when I feel any intense emotion, something that does not serve me when a boss calls me into his office to reprimand me or I'm experiencing deep frustration with a team member on a project. So over the years I learned to repress those emotions, shoving them down under layers of practicality. But it isn't like they go away. No, they act like volcanic pressure slowly building up until one day they explode with a passion all over some poor, unsuspecting, and most likely undeserving person. They also show up in the form of back pain, knee pain, headaches, stomach aches -- uncomfortable ways for them to seep out whatever their form. So experiencing emotion freely and in the moment is a relief, a positive change. Next up is to stop judging myself and feeling silly when the reaction appears to be an overreaction, to listen to what those emotions are telling me and follow their guidance.

I am far from alone in judging people during displays of emotion. Look at what happened to Hillary this week when she had an emotional moment while campaigning. People were talking about how this proves she's weak and that women won't make good presidents because they are too emotional. But I had the exact opposite reaction. I was so relieved to see her show her softer side, to have that emotion come to the surface and leak out. It made her more human and it made me like her more. Having a president with a full range of emotions who recognizes them as valuable and doesn't sweep them under a rug might be exactly what this country needs. Emotions are powerful guidance systems, especially if you are in touch with your intuitive and spiritual nature, and having leaders who are guided by ego and pride hasn't been working out too well for us. I believe that this new millennium is about transformation, about going to the next level and moving from merely surviving to expansive thriving. The consciousness of the country and the world is making a palpable shift, and I expect we'll start to see that shift showing up in our government too. I can't predict what the results of this election year will bring, but I do know that whatever happens, people are waking up, starting to pay attention in different ways, to focus on what they find to be most important and to make choices to bring positive change to their lives and the world. Just thinking about these opportunities brings tears to my eyes, and I am so relieved that I can feel those feelings right now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And namaste.

Spring cleaning

There is something so incredibly satisfying about cleaning. And I don't mean the scrub the toilet and vacuum kind of cleaning. I mean the reorganization of books and pens and jewelry and even furniture and throwing out everything that isn't nailed down kind of cleaning. I usually associate it with spring, when you can throw open the windows and doors and let that wonderful freshness into your home. Today is about as winter in the Bay Area as you can get -- gray and cool and raining -- but that compulsion to do a little spring cleaning came over me this morning and I succumbed to its wonderful pressure. Wonderful because of the calmness and centeredness that comes over me when I get to soak up the results. It can be difficult to stop once I get rolling. I finish one thing and I see another and another and another that all need to be taken care of immediately too. I'm the kind of person that goes to bed when the sun goes down, but I've been known to stay up past midnight rearranging my bookshelves or cleaning out a closet.

This physical reorganization is about so much more than just making my home feel that much homier, a good enough reason in itself. It's about the way that it opens me up to do internal reorganization as well, setting the example outside so that my insides know what to do. If I've been banging my head up against a wall trying to work something through, a little spring cleaning is the magic ingredient to make everything fall into place. I'm not saying that I had any great epiphanies this morning -- insight is not a requirement for this process -- but I can tell from the shift in how I am resonating with my surroundings that it is working. There are still a few hours of daylight left -- is there anything else I can tackle today?

Upanishads Quote

God made the senses turn outwards, man therefore looks outwards, not into himself. But occasionally a daring soul, desiring immortality, has looked back and found himself.

~The Upanishads

Sunrise, Sunset

It is 4 o'clock in the afternoon and it feels like the sun just rose. We're in the midst of several days of stormy weather -- and I mean stormy, lots and lots of wind, rain and even thunder and lightening, unheard of around here -- and over the past hour the rain started to let up and the sky got lighter until finally the sun came out. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm reminded of the Ray Bradbury story "All Summer in a Day" where the sun comes out every seven years for one hour. A melodramatic comparison, I know, but it's amazing how much a little sun can turn my energy around. I've spent my day feeling blah with very little energy, not feeling motivated to do anything -- I played Civ this morning instead of meditating and doing my morning pages -- but now that the sun is out I feel like dancing around the living room in my underwear. Or something.

All in time for the sun to set. Okay, we've got about an hour, but it is kind of funny timing. I bet it will be a beautiful one with lots of pinks and purples reflected in the clouds that are still lingering, reminders of how recently we were granted a reprieve. It's easy to get spoiled by beautiful weather living in California. I choose to view days like this as gifts, enabling me to soak up the contrast created between the downpour and the sun and find the beauty in all of it. I'm so grateful for my sunrise this afternoon, and I anticipate a beautiful sunset to follow shortly. May you find beauty in this day as well. Namaste.

The shining

The new year did not get kicked off exactly as I planned. I ended up being waylaid by a stomach flu of some sort. While it was a very purging way to start the year, I would have preferred to do it my way, and definitely more gently. Isn't that always the way?

While I was caught up in the flu I found myself full of doubt, wondering if the choices I've made in my life these past few months were the right ones. Between jobs, focusing on my own personal growth instead of on making a buck, the lack of income has been a challenge. When I've gotten quiet and listened, I've been reassured that I am right on track, that the work I've been doing is exactly what I needed to be doing and that the income would sort itself out in time. But that voice was hard to find this week, and the voices of "logic" and "lack" loomed large instead.

The good news is that now that I've recovered my energy, I'm finding myself feeling very clear, very much on purpose, and very connected to that message of being in the right place. I feel very... full. Ironic considering how little I've eaten this week, but it makes a surprising amount of sense. I'm reminded of the movie Stardust -- Claire Danes plays a star who has fallen to earth. When she is happy, she begins to shine, filling with light that pours out all over. That's how I feel, like Who I Am is filling me up and pouring out, shining for all the world to see. It's no wonder really that I feel full.

Well, I should probably put a little food in my body as well to ensure that it isn't just lightheadedness I'm feeling. If you're in the Bay Area, stay dry and firmly planted to the earth during this storm. It's good to be back. Namaste.

Home again, home again

Dorothy was right -- there really is no place like home. The air is warm and clear, my cats are cuddling up with me, and perhaps most importantly, I have no obligations weighing on me. I am beautifully, gloriously not busy. I am so grateful to all the work I did before my trip that resulted in a smooth Connecticut experience, however I have absolutely no desire to do any further work myself right now. That earlier feeling of not wanting to take a vacation is completely gone, and I'm giving myself the rest of the year off -- a vacation to recuperate from my vacation. Some time to dabble in the age-old joy of doing nothing. My friend and mentor Caroline Reynolds is calling 2008 the Year of Power. Amen! And so I'm going to spend the next couple of days powering down -- for me, another form of healing, of rejuvenating -- so that I can power up successfully and hit the ground running in the new year.

So, enjoy the festivities, whatever you choose to participate in, and I will see you in the new year, ready to experience its unfoldment into the love and light that I know it is bringing. Namaste.

Dead Poets Society Quote

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And, the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, 'O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless -- of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these O me, O life? Answer. That you are here -- that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.' That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

~John Keating in Dead Poets Society

Greetings from Connecticut

I feel a little like I'm living in a postcard this week. I'd love to find one of those old fashioned "greetings" cards. I could upload the photo for you. :) Being back in Connecticut is always an experience for me. In some respects, it's awesome. I get to see places I hung out as a teenager -- as much as they've been transformed, they still bring back memories. I get to see good friends and family that I just never can connect with enough from 3,000 miles away. But there's always reminders of the reasons why I left, the obnoxious people on the streets and the attitudes out at restaurants and stores.

But this trip has been different, more positive than negative. I've been trying to put my finger on the why of it, and it seems like it's a matter of attachment (or lack thereof). I'm just not feeling attached to anything. Now, that might not sound like a good thing. It might smack of apathy or indifference. But that's not it at all. I'm much more present this trip. I'm not experiencing Connecticut through the eyes of the past, I'm actually seeing it as it is now. I'm enjoying its beauty and not being bugged as much by its flaws. I feel more contentment, less agita. I'm focusing on the yummy Chinese and Italian food, the beauty of the snow and the rivers and the trees, the joy of connecting with friends and family. I don't have a picture in my head of how things should be; instead, I'm just enjoying what is. There's a lot of power in that kind of detachment. And a lot more happiness.

Wish me luck with the remainder of my travels. Today I am off to New Jersey to continue this journey of contentment. Namaste.

Editor's Note, 12/30/07: I went back and found one of those postcards -- I love those images! I just started re-watching one of my favorite TV series of all times, Wonderfalls, and had forgotten that they use that type of postcard as part of the titles. I'm not sure which came first -- my love for the postcards or my love of the show, but the synchronicity is making me smile today.

Unvacation

Being between jobs gives me a new perspective on things. For instance, I don't think so much in terms of M-F and weekends so much as I think in terms of when my husband will and won't be home. Or, I think in terms of what things I'm better at during the morning vs. the afternoon or evening. Today has been an interesting day in that I keep having to remind myself for many people it's the eve of a vacation, whether it is just 4 days long or they don't go back to work until the 2nd of January. My physical therapist's office was mostly empty and there was a spirit of camaraderie in the air, a sense of, "we're all experiencing this together," and I felt a little out of place in it. Sure, I'm leaving for a week myself tomorrow -- my husband and I are heading to Connecticut to spend the week with family -- but I'm not on "vacation" from anything. Then again, I've been working incredibly hard the past few weeks. Not in a traditional sense, sure, but does that make me any less deserving of a vacation?

The interesting thing is, I don't really want a vacation. I've been trying to figure out how I can keep doing my work -- my meditation, my writing, my exercises -- while I'm on this trip. My days will be full of last-minute shopping, gift wrapping, and visits with family and friends, which makes me wonder if I should adopt a schedule more like I'm working a full-time job, where I'm up at 5:30 to ensure I have time do what I need to do and still get out the door by 7:30 or 8:00. In the past traveling was an excuse for me to blow everything off, from my diet and exercise to meditation -- I even read a different caliber book when I travel. But I feel called to do the opposite this time, to challenge myself to truly incorporate this work I'm doing into my life in such a way that it sticks even when I am on the road. This may be easier said than done, seeing as how things slipped this week due to time-sensitive holiday tasks and I haven't even left California yet, but I like the idea of shifting my expectations for this journey, inside and out. I'd like to be centered and strong in my sense of self, able to go with the flow and relax and have fun while still being productive. My work enables this -- it may take up time itself, but it makes up for it in spades throughout the day.

So, wish me luck in my endeavors and with my trip. I'll bring back a snowball for you. Namaste.