Sure-As-Not

When I first graduated college, I worked for a music store for about 6 months -- Hear Music, long before Starbucks bought them and rewrote their history, but that's a tale for another day. There were many awesome things about Hear Music -- the fact that you could listen to anything in the store prior to buying it; the cool, independent, music-loving employees the store attracted; and the wide array of folk, rock, world, classical, alternative, you name it (so long as it isn't pop) music available for your listening pleasure. Sure-As-Not, and explicitly the Jungle Segue, by the Afro Celt Sound System, was one of the early loves that I got introduced to while I worked there, and an example of why working in a music store and actually trying to earn a living do not always go hand-in-hand seeing as how I bought the album pretty much as soon as I heard it.

The Afro Celt Sound System is really a lot like it sounds. Their first album, my personal favorite, was "the first fruit of a collaboration between a group of the finest African musicians, their counterparts from the Celtic communities of western Europe and several of Britain's most respected dance music producers," according to their website. It's a glorious noise, almost infectious, that gets inside of you and makes you want to move. It makes you wonder why the whole world isn't begging for an African-Celtic fusion in music, because it was obviously meant to be.

If you have a chance to pick up some Afro Celt Sound System, please do. You won't regret it. I promise.

Artist: Afro Celt Sound System
Song: Sure-As-Not
Part A: Sure-As-Not, Part B: Sure-As-Knot (Jungle Segue)
Album: Sound Magic
Website: http://realworldrecords.com/afrocelts/
Fan Site: http://www.afrocelts.org/

Paulo Coehlo Quote

But she would have paid a still higher price if she had repressed her true exuberant self. She would have been bitter and frustrated, always concerned about "what other people might think," always saying "I'll just sort these things out, then I'll devote myself to my dream," always complaining that "the conditions are never quite right."

~Paulo Coehlo, The Witch of Portobello

The Witch of Portobello

I finished reading the latest book by Paulo Coelho this morning -- The Witch of Portobello. His world-famous The Alchemist is one of my favorite books, holding up to countless readings. Only time will tell if I will feel the same way about The Witch of Portobello in, say, 10 years, but I'll tell you that today it feels like there's a pretty good chance.

To say that I read this book is misleading. It might be more accurate to say that this book moved through me, perhaps even read me instead. I was expecting something different -- when my friend Don recommended it he said he couldn't put it down, and my mother said she'd never read anything like it -- but for me what was different was how it made me feel, how it called to my soul. I've felt discomfited for days, uncomfortable, antsy. It reminded me quite a bit of reading a spiritual version of Daniel Quinn, especially The Story of B (which, by the way, I have something like four extra copies of if you're ever interested in reading it). I never could just read one of Daniel Quinn's books, I always had to combine them with action. In the case of The Witch of Portobello, I've been compelled to perform personal actions. While I do feel compelled to teach, I also feel compelled to dance, to sing, to paint on large canvasses. Meditation serves an important purpose for me, a connection, but I need to do something akin to its opposite, something big and passionate and powerful. I need to unfurl, to express, to UNLEASH whatever is pent up inside of me.

After my mediation this morning, I put on a CD and closed my eyes and just moved to the music. I don't typically think of myself as graceful -- in fact, just the opposite -- but I felt grace moving through me, lifting my arms and pointing my toes and twirling me around and around. I felt the rhythm of the earth come up through my feet and into my body. I felt totally vibrant, totally alive, and connected in an incredibly deep way. Sure, I've danced around my living room before, but I've never experienced anything like this. I felt my first natural high while dancing, something like 10 years ago. I always thought that I would need the crowds and music of a dance festival to engender that kind of high on a repeat basis, but now I know how simple it can be, and how necessary it feels.

Next up, a drumming circle. I've been hearing this message grow louder and louder in my head over this past year. The drums are calling me, and I know there's an opening up waiting inside me when I answer. What is calling you? And what is keeping you from answering that call? Whatever it is, listen only to the call. Follow where it leads and you will find what your soul seeks. Namaste.

Dixie the Tiny Dog

I have been looking for this song everywhere, but to no avail. I'm really sorry, too, because I absolutely love it. I will tell you about it anyway, and the next time you come visit me, I'll play it for you. Peter Himmelman has outdone himself with this one. "Dixie the Tiny Dog" is funny, sweet, and memorable. The version I have is from the KFOG Acoustic Sunrise album, which means it isn't readily available for public consumption. I did find another version on a special album that Peter put out, but while it is equally impossible to lay hands on, it is regrettably not as good a version.

So here are the lyrics to the KFOG version. Imagine a proud little dachshund clicking along your kitchen floor as you read them.

Artist: Peter Himmelman
Website: http://www.peterhimmelman.com/
Song: Dixie the Tiny Dog
Album: KFOG Acoustic Sunrise

I'm a tiny dog named Dixie,
I have small feet which pitter patter on the linoleum floor,
You can hear my toenails in the middle of the night.
My tag says I belong to the Johnsons, but they don't own me,
They just feed me, they just bought me one day.
No one owns me, I'm Dixie the tiny dog.

And in the middle of the day I sit in the sun
And I hear young children call me a weiner dog,
Perhaps that's what I am.
The Germanic term is dachshund, and I like that,
I'm thin and I'm proud and no one can make fun of me.
I can slip through the bars of a prison if I were ever incarcerated,
But I don't know what I would do wrong.
My body yield no evil inclinations.
I'm a pure weiner dog.

My name is Dixie and I go dancing 'cross the floor
In the evening of the Johnsons when everyone is sleeping.
Sometimes I look for a morsel of food, but they're so clean
They're almost anal-retentive in their cleanliness habits
And there's nothing for me.
But I don't despair
Because I know tomorrow my Gaines Burgers will be there
And they will unwrap the plastic from them
And then feed me this succulent dish, and I will eat.

And oh, I've watched the German Shepherds with their long necks,
Their graceful necks, dipping into the toilet to drink whenever they want
To have a drink of cool water in that well.
But I must plead, I must beg, I must whine
For Mr. Johnson to put out my bowl,
Or one of the Johnson boys to refill it after I drink it,
Because I'm Dixie the dog and I like water.

And in the middle of the night you can see me dancing
A small Fred Astaire tap dance, with my little toenails
They go click click click against the linoleum
And I run down the hall and I slide
And the back of me goes in front of me . . . slowly.
I'm long and I'm thin. I'm Dixie the tiny dog and I like it.

We're walking, we're walking

Oh sunshine, how I do love thee. It promised to be another gray, rainy day today, especially during the hail this morning. I find hail absolutely fascinating, by the way, one of those oddities of life that always remind me of the infinite nature of the universe. Shortly after the hail stopped, the sun came out. I was almost bummed because I really needed to get some work done this morning, but I promised myself that I could go for a walk after I was finished. I got to practice a sort of waking meditation as my lack of focus was greater than usual. But I continued to gently close browser windows, return my attention to my work, and wrapped everything up within a few hours.

I headed up to one of my favorite places on earth, the Crystal Springs reservoir, along which the Sawyer Camp Trail runs for six miles between highway 280 and the water. It is simply spectacular over there, with a nice paved trail for easy access. Even if I'm having an absolutely lousy day, a walk at the reservoir heals all wounds, renews my sense of connection, restores my energy. I think it's the grounding created by the meeting of the sky, the hills, and the water -- it grounds me, too.

I needed that grounding today -- I had let myself get off track this weekend. I'm not sure what it is about weekends, perhaps old habits that die hard, but my routine gets thrown completely off and sometimes I don't regain my rhythm until Monday. That's what happened this time, so much so that it was after breakfast on Monday before I even started laying the foundation for regaining my rhythm. But I did the work, plugging away at my resistance until it had dissipated. The walk was the icing on the cake, but necessary icing. I think it was what I needed to finish the restoration process so that the remainder of my week could be more on track. I feel like a new person already, but I know there's still inner work to be done, in addition to the outer work.

It's one of the funny things about this path. I did so much good inner work last week that things continued to bubble up and bubble up all weekend. My mind wanted a rest and kicked up all the resistance it could muster. But those bubbles kept coming. And when I sat down to do my morning pages this morning, I practically had a laundry list of all the work that was on tap for this week. It's some pretty good stuff, too, all about what the next steps are for me on my journey to do my soul's work. It includes finding work writing about the things I'm passionate about, starting a spiritual group with meditation and reading and discussion, surrounding myself with interesting, passionate, soul-searching women. And from there, well, the sky's the limit, really. Wish me luck . . . and gentleness. I suspect I'll need them both. Namaste.

Market day

The sun has been mostly out today and I've been so relieved. I know we can probably use all the rain we can get -- even if it causes flooding -- but when it's been raining all week and the forecast has the rain continuing for at least another week, a break feels really good. And hey, on a somewhat related note, did you hear about the avalanche in Southern California? I just like to say that -- there was an AVALANCHE in Southern California. It's the kind of thing I associate with the Alps or the Himalayas, not the land of Baywatch and Hollywood. Totally trippy.

Anyhoo, the break in the rain meant that I got to visit my local farmer's market. Actually, I'm lucky to have two year-round farmer's markets within spitting distance of my house, but it's the Saturday morning one in San Mateo that's my favorite. Even in winter when there aren't a lot of foods naturally in season, we can get tons of locally-grown fruits and vegetables. Today I kept it simple, picking up onions, garlic, broccoli and broccoli rabe (or rapini), mandarin oranges, sweet potatoes, and a lovely bunch of tulips. I still had salad greens, green onions, strawberries, and grapefruit leftover from going to the market last week. It's a literal cornucopia.

Most people think that vegetarians eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, but that has not always been the case for me. I go through phases where I eat mostly grains and legumes or I'm heavy on the dairy, which never makes me feel good. So right now I'm placing a huge emphasis on fruits and vegetables -- not only does it make my diet much more colorful, it's much more flavorful as well. Almost every meal is a delicious treat -- last night, Sean got stuck working late so I "whipped up" Savory Loaf (a grain side dish that is truly savory), a beautiful green salad with toasted pine nuts and gorgonzola cheese, and a baked sweet potato. It was incredibly simple, but simply delicious. This weekend's highlights will include a veggie fried rice with toasted almonds and a red lentil soup. It makes my stomach rumble in anticipation just to think about it.

While the spectacular array of foods and flowers available is my primary reason for going to the farmer's market, it also just makes me feel good to be there. There's such a sense of community, reinforced by occasionally running into people I know. Lots of families and couples and friends and individuals walking around, interacting with the people selling their wares, mostly with smiles on their faces and a spring in their step. There's also a sense of sustainability, as at least half of the attendees are carrying "permanent" grocery bags from Whole Foods and Trader Joe's or baskets and bags purchased just for the market, and everything is coming from relatively local farms. And finally, there's a bountiful sense of self-nurture, like I'm doing something that is good for me and just the act of doing it already makes my body feel better. Utilizing my purchases is almost like a bonus instead of being the purpose.

Apparently there are 90 farmer's markets in the Bay Area -- wild. I feel blessed to be in an area of such abundance. But farmer's markets are cropping up all over the country, too. When I visited my family in Rome, Georgia last summer, my aunt and I went to an early morning farmer's market at a local church. While it was mostly people with large gardens sharing their extras, it was still a testament to the power of community. I was happy to be able to support the locals in their endeavors, and kind of wished I had a fledgling farmer's market that I could support at home too. But large or small, professional or amateur, I always look forward to market day, to the feelings it engenders and the spoils I get to take home with me. Namaste.

Antonia's Line

I finally watched Antonia's Line this evening. What a treat. Sad, but beautiful, wonderful. It's a sweet tale, but a powerful one too, about living life, about what's important, about love and death, about being yourself no matter what. It's Dutch, so it has that wonderful rhythm European films have that I love so much. The characters have so much, well, character, and there's magic in the air. If you haven't seen it yet, treat yourself. If you have, remind yourself.

And as this long chronicle reaches its conclusion, nothing has come to an end.

Ah, meditation

I am having a good, if sleepy, day today. The rain is a nice backdrop for me to work in, creating a soothing, meditative state. I got up early this morning so I would have time to do my morning pages before making a yummy breakfast (vanilla-cinnamon french toast using whole-grain bread and real maple syrup -- yum-o). I've been trying to cook three meals a day lately, and I find it to be a timing challenge to finish my morning practice before putting breakfast together by 7:15. Starting my morning practice after Sean leaves for work, however, means it's the only thing that gets to utilize my most productive hours of the day. In seeking balance, getting up earlier appears to be the best solution.

Today worked out so well I almost even had enough time for my meditation, but it would have been noticeably short so I held off until later in the morning. And I'm really glad I did -- I got in a couple of hours of freelance work and still had a full hour to dedicate to meditation before lunch. This full hour is something I've been trying to fit into my schedule for over a week as I've been wanting to try out a new meditation recording I picked up -- Kelly Howell's Awakening Kundalini. Oh wow, it's a good one. I was already loving the brainwave techniques she uses and most frequently meditate to her Retrieve Your Destiny "Side B" meditation. Awakening Kundalini uses the same theta-wave meditation music found on Retrieve Your Destiny but adds a guided meditation to it. It starts with an introduction to the concept of Kundalini and instructions on how to use the meditation and what the different breathing techniques are, so the first use is a little time-consuming but let me tell you, it's well worth it. I'm looking forward to seeing how it opens me up over time.

I love meditation. I know for some people it's something they "should" do, something they're "supposed to" do. But for me it's something I truly love with all of my heart. I love the feeling of connection it leaves me with, the sense of cleanliness and purity inside and out. I finished meditating today and I was hungry, but at the same time I felt very FULL. I've spent the past couple of hours almost in a daze because my meditation brought me so into the present moment I'm really looking at things, really absorbing my surroundings. It's a little like being high, but an all-natural, totally reattainable high.

If you have trouble committing to a meditation practice, I really recommend listening to something while you are meditating. First of all, it's a natural timer so you know upfront how long your meditation will be depending on which recording you select. You have no excuse to peek at the clock to see how much time is left -- if the meditation is still playing, you still have time left. I typically shoot for 30 minutes because I like how it makes me feel, how it gives me enough time for that sense of connection to really sink in. In addition to Kelly Howell's meditations, I love the gong meditation on Music for Deep Meditation: Tibetan Singing Bowl. If I'm really crunched for time, then I'll do a 15-minute meditation. For that I typically use the "Deep Trance Meditative Music" track off of Caroline Reynolds' Soul Stretch.

The other reason I recommend listening to something is that it gives the layers of your mind something to do, especially when you're just learning how to meditate. If you think of your mind like a pond, your thoughts usually dance around the surface, causing ripples as they plunk down onto the water. Meditation pulls you down beneath the surface where it's still and quiet. Having something to listen to gives that surface-layer something to be distracted by and allows the rest of your mind to sink into the depths. Or at least that's the way I think of it.

All I can say is that it's the best way to spend 30 minutes each day. AND it makes the rest of your 23 hours and 30 minutes go so much more smoothly, gracefully, and presently. Namaste.

Learn to Fly

I was driving home from the grocery store this afternoon and this song came on the radio. I'm singing along thinking, I really like this song, I'd forgotten all about it. Then we come to the chorus and it is, of course, all about learning to fly. It seemed too appropriate not to post it today, since, in case you hadn't noticed, learning to fly is what I'm all about these days.

This concept speaks to me on at least two levels. One, it's about learning, growing, expanding. And two, it's about FLYING, not just surviving or being adequate--it's about being more. This in a nutshell is what I want my life to be about, not just today, but from here on out. There is always more to learn and there is always a space to expand into. Hear hear.

The song "Learn to Fly" is another one from 1999. I believe (although I might be mistaken, I'm definitely no expert) that it was the first big Foo Fighters hit here in the U.S. While I enjoyed it when it came out, it didn't make a huge mark on my landscape. It's one that over time, the more I've listened to it, the more I like it. Perhaps a little bit of nostalgia--songs that remind me of specific periods grow on me precisely because they are reminders--but I've also grown and changed a lot over the past decade. Whatever it is, I now think this song is a lot of fun, and 8+ years after it was released, I am now a proud owner of it. Thank you, iTunes.

Artist: Foo Fighters
Website: http://www.foofighters.com/home
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foo_Fighters
Song: Learn to Fly
Album: There Is Nothing Left to Lose

Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly

I think I'm done nursing the patience
I can wait one night
I'd give it all away if you give me one last try
We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything is alright...
Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try and make this life my own

Tibolt Quote

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.

~Frank Tibolt

yes is a world

I was all set to write about the power of action today, but as I was swapping out my "Quote of the Week" this morning, it occurred to me that as much as I love e.e. cummings poem that was there, I haven't necessarily been LIVING it.

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds

Reading this poem, even if it's my hundredth time reading it, gives me chills. It speaks to that part of me that has spent most of my life asleep, that part of me that yearns for me to stand up and truly say YES that all of life has to offer. It speaks to me in the language of my soul, answering a call that my spirit has been crying for a long, long time.

I'm still at a point where I'm not sure I know what living a life of YES would truly look like, but I think I can work backwards from what it would not look like. It would not look like settling--it would be making choices that serve me and my goals. It would not look like accepting table scraps and saying thank you, can I have some more please--it would be recognizing my power and strength and the gifts that I bring to the world, knowing my value and expecting it to be seen. It would not be gray and flat and lifeless--it would be full of color, fully fleshed out, vibrant, animate, alive.

Sometimes I'm blown away by how difficult it is for me to speak my truth, to stand in my power and tell the world that I'm here, that I'm a force for good in this universe, that I am a voice of wisdom and understanding, that I am a conduit for God or Infinite Intelligence or Source or whatever you want to call that all-powerful, all-encompassing ONENESS that is the creative source of our universe. The DailyOM this morning struck such a chord with me, talking about that feeling of spinning our wheels, possibly even feeling like we're going backwards, but needing to remember that each step is a step forward. Forward progress, it's all forward progress. That can be so difficult for me to recognize some days, when I find myself stuck in a pattern that I thought I'd caught and eliminated 10, 15, 20 years ago. How long am I going to allow myself to be stuck under the mantle of "I'm not good enough"?

But this is when I have to take a deep breath, let all that tension in my shoulders and my stomach dissipate and remember that the "I'm not good enough" of 2008 is a mere shadow of its former self. The truth of my forward progress really is self-evident--when I let go my perfectionism and judgment, I can see it clear as day. And this past year has been about moving what I know from my head to my heart, into my body, so that I can FEEL it. I suppose this next year is going to be about moving it out of my head and body into the world, really putting my money where my mouth is and living the life that I truly want, that I know I deserve, and that I truly was born to live. This year is going to be about shifting my self-definition, how I perceive myself internally and how I describe myself to the world.

I am a writer. I am a coach. I am a spiritual intuitive. I have unique gifts to share with the world. This is who I am. Do you know who you are? How do you want to define yourself moving forward? Are you ready to share that definition of yourself? I cannot promise you that this kind of shift will be easy, but I know that, for me at least, it is necessary. And I hope to even have some fun with it along the way. Namaste.

Californication

I asked Sean this morning if he'd like to pick a song in honor of his birthday. I suggested Bob Marley. He countered with "Freebird," primarily because of its Guitar Hero II status. Then he thought about it for a moment and came up with Red Hot Chili Peppers. That seemed appropriate seeing as the two things I remember most from the first year of our relationship are Soul Caliber (does your soul still burn?) and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

We met in 1999, the same year that Californication came out. I'd been a huge fan of Blood Sugar Sex Magik and was disappointed in their 1995 release One Hot Minute (who wasn't). Californication was a piece of college nostalgia dressed in new clothes. Sean would get up most Saturday mornings and put the CD on -- if you weren't awake yet, "Around the World" would do it for you. (Around the world / I feel dutiful / Take a wife / cause life is beautiful.)

The album moves through a wide variety of musical styles, which is probably why I enjoy it so much as a full album. The first four tracks are a wonderful ride, growing progressively mellower as we move from "Around the World" to "Parallel Universe" to "Scar Tissue" to "Otherside," my favorite from the album. You can see the video here. (I heard your voice through a photograph / I thought it up it brought up the past / Once you know you can never go back / I’ve got to take it on the otherside.) "Californication" and "Road Trippin'" are also good ones to call attention to, and by now we've singled out half the album.

While I think the Red Hot Chili Peppers now are ghosts of their 90's selves, it's always a good reminder that they were living large there for a while, and such a pleasure to ride along with.

Road trippin' with my two favorite allies
Fully loaded we got snacks and supplies
Its time to leave this town
Its time to steal away
Lets go get lost
Anywhere in the U.S.A.

Lets go get lost
Lets go get lost...

RHCP website: http://www.redhotchilipeppers.com/
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_hot_chili_peppers

The passage of time

I'm feeling a little under the weather today. My whole body is just crying out for me to curl up in bed, to turn off the rest of the world and retreat. It doesn't help that it's raining. Antonia's Line came from Netflix so I may give in here in a minute, but I did want to do a quick post.

It's my husband's birthday today. I love birthdays, mine or otherwise. I think I've had more fun celebrating this birthday than Sean has, but that's probably pretty usual for us. I believe that life should be celebrated, and that includes the passage of time, the gaining of wisdom. He likes to joke that we'd be old by now except that we have neither kids nor a mortgage, apparently requirements for that title in his book. I don't think about getting "old" so much as I think about flexibility, agility, knowledge, practice. I think in many respects I grow younger as I age, so there may be a point at which Sean is robbing the cradle.

In any event, wherever you are today, please take a moment to honor the day that Sean was born in whatever way seems suitable to you. His idea of honoring it is to play video games, of course. Namaste.

All Too Much

One of the best things about pretty much every job I've ever had is the travel I've gotten to do for work. For years, every time I traveled for business I either got to extend it to visit with family and friends or I was abroad, specifically in Asia. It's not like I traveled a lot -- just a few times a year -- but they were memorable. My best trip for my last company was when I got to attend the 2006 Austin City Limits Music Festival. While it was hotter than my California-adjusted body could handle, the music was beyond INCREDIBLE. I got to see Aimee Mann and Gnarls Barkley and John Mayer and KT Tunstell and Thievery Corporation -- some really good stuff. And I got introduced to Gomez, who I had the honor of watching from backstage as I was hanging out at the Heineken tent. I'd heard of them and recognized one or two of their songs, but I didn't really know them.

In the year and a half since, Gomez has taken over the world, or so it seems from my perspective. Almost without fail, any time I heard a new song on the radio that I liked it would end up being a Gomez song. I've bought enough of the album How We Operate from iTunes that by now it probably would have made a lot more sense to just have bought the whole album ages ago. "All Too Much" is a fairly new love of mine. It's a rockin' song, it makes me want to sing along, to groove. I honestly have no idea what the song is about (even after reading the lyrics) and I don't care. It's catchy and fun and highly addictive, the kind of song you can get stuck in your head -- like I did today, incidentally -- and you really don't mind. So Gomez, tell us, what's your secret? You make it look so easy, like you don't even try.

Artist: Gomez
Website: http://www.gomeztheband.com/
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gomez_%28band%29
Song: All Too Much
Album: How We Operate

You can make up a list
Of the things you want
...Could be anything.
When you've crossed them all off,
And there's nothing left,
To start again.

The occasional milestone on your path,
Shows how far you've come.
But the record will show,
And it's all too much,
And not enough.

So step right up,
Everything's just fine.
I'm only here to do what's right.

If it cannot be slowed,
And it's too late to change,
Just cover up
Keep it spinning around out of control,
Til it's hard to stop
Like a moth to the flame, you can't resist
You have to get involved.
Why did you get involved?

So step right up,
Everything's just fine.
I'm only here to do what's right
Don't worry about it

Tell us what's your secret?
How come it works every time?
You make it look so easy,
Like you don't even try.
Tell us what's your secret?
Have you got something to hide?
If giving up so easy,
Why do you even try?

And the record will show
You were falling fast,
It was all too much,
And you weren't fast enough

So step right up,
Everything's just fine.
I'm only here to do what's right
Don't worry about it

Tell us what's the secret?
How come it works every time?
You make it look so easy,
Like you don't even try.
Tell us what's your secret?
Have you got something to hide?
If giving up so easy,
Why do you even try?

It's like you don't even try.
It's never all too much
Yeah, and not enough
It's like you don't even try.
It's never all too much
Yeah, and not enough.

Ooh, look! Bright and shiny!

I'm struggling a lot with focus lately. I seem to have completely lost my ability to multi-task, or even single-task, with any degree of success. I get distracted really easily -- Ooh, look! Bright and shiny! -- and don't always make it back to whatever I was working on originally. I used to need music on in the background to help me concentrate -- a sort of white noise to cover up all the real noises happening around me -- but now I find myself getting sucked into a song, turning it up so I can really listen to it, wanting it to be in the foreground of my attention instead.

While my productivity has dropped to an all-time low, I don't think this is a bad thing, really. It's like I'm reprogramming my brain to process things one-at-a-time when the corporate world had me processed on multiple input. My last job was especially ADD-inducing, with everyone on email, IM, the phone, and talking to someone at the next desk all at the same time. Every now and again I wanted to bury my head under my arms and scream. But habits are hard to break, and even now I have an obscene number of browser windows open (19, including this one) and I find it difficult to sit here and just type, focus on what I'm writing, without going and refreshing all of those windows to see if anything requires my attention.

There is a definite art to actually staying in the moment, with your mind on a single point of focus. Gurus and mystics have been talking about this one-mind concept for centuries, possibly millennia, and it doesn't sound so difficult in theory, but man is it ever hard to do in practice. I have about a hundred thousand things to do today (okay, really it's probably about a dozen, but who's counting) and I get antsy, wanting to cross things off the list, instead of truly paying attention to what I'm doing in the moment. The irony is, my inability to sit still on days like today keeps me from finishing anything that I've started and I feel like I'm behind schedule the entire day. If I could just be completely in the moment with what I am doing RIGHT NOW and focus my entire attention on it, just think how quickly I would be able to complete that task. I'd be crossing things off my list left and right, relaxed and in the flow, trusting in my inherent ability to get things done instead of feeling anxious about it and getting in my own way.

As I sit here writing, resisting the urge to multi-task, I can feel myself relaxing. It feels like this concept of truly paying attention, truly staying in the moment is sinking in, and I can definitely feel it resonating within me, the core of my being saying Yes, you're getting it, thank you. So let me experiment with this today, moving on to my next task and focusing on it with the same attention I've been giving this, taking things one at a time, rejoicing in each individually completed task. Wish me luck. Namaste.

Amaze Me

Every now and again I'll be sitting at my desk with some music on in the background, or listening to my iPod on my way home from the city, or in my car running errands listening to a mix I've made, and I'll just get struck with a deep upwelling of emotion, tears in my eyes for what appears to be no reason and a yearning to be out on the open road. Inevitably, it's because the song "Amaze Me" by Girlyman has come on, and I've just been struck anew by the power of their harmonies, their melodies, and their lyrics. While some music makes me wish I was a singer-songwriter, other music makes me wish I was in a position to support singer-songwriters just getting started so that their music can be spread throughout the world. Girlyman's music definitely brings out the latter instinct in me, and back when I had a job, I'd have these overwhelming urges to quit my job to go work towards getting them, and others like them, more famous. More recently, you're likely to find me allowing those tears to come, allowing myself to feel the emotion their songs bring out in me, and just kick back and enjoy, feeling blessed to be able to experience it.

The most striking thing about this song for me is the haunting quality its melody takes on when done in three-party harmony. Knocks my socks off every time. The second thing is that it feels written for me (sheepish grin) when they talk about " From Decatur, Georgia To California," i.e. from where I was born to where I live now. The third thing is that I am transient by nature, I love to travel and to take road trips and to see our country in all its glory. I can remember on a road trip from Chicago to Breckinridge, I was driving through Nebraska and everyone else in the car was asleep. I was struck by how beautiful the landscape was on a rainy, March afternoon, and I didn't have anyone to share it with. This song reminds me of moments like that.

Artist: Girlyman
Website: http://www.girlyman.com/
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girlyman
Song: Amaze Me
Album: Remember Who I Am

Amaze Me
by Ty Greenstein
(© 2001)

New Jersey born, yeah
The flat land of Nebraska
From Decatur, Georgia
To California

Let's dig up the map and
Let's leave while we're happy
I wanna see Tucson
Before it's all gone

Chorus:
Amaze me, America
Save me from armageddon, high road to heaven

Eight hours at the airport
Wanna hightail to Gulfport
Wanna sit on the back porch
And stare at the stars

From the chemical water
Of new york's dirty harbor
To the rock of gibraltar
At the end of the world

Chorus

Let's dive to Atlantis
Let's hear what they'd tell us
From the bottom of the ocean
I really want to know them

Chorus

Creative urges

I was fiddling around on Google this morning and stumbled across this image that just struck a deep chord with me. God, do I ever wish I were artistically talented. I'm in complete awe of people who CREATE. I have trouble thinking of myself as a creative person, even when I'm doing things that are inherently creative, but it's something I've always yearned for. Kind of like when I was little and I just loved my cousins' Southern accents and I wanted to be Southern so bad it hurt. I didn't realize that it was what was on the inside that mattered, I could only see the external stuff. Now I don't identify myself with just one part of the country -- I honor my Southern roots and Yankee upbringing just as much as I honor my Californian home. But I digress.

I think that the creative urge is one we all share, that it runs deep within the parts of us that make us human. It's related to the urge to procreate for sure, but I think it's more than just that. Our conscious minds might yearn for remembrance, to leave a little piece of ourselves behind when we pass on to the next realm. But our souls yearn for an opportunity to express Who We Are, to get deep into the heart of the matter, of whatever matters, and connect with it, feel it, shine a light on it, and show it off to the rest of the world, whatever it is. When I was cleaning out my linen closet last week -- and boy, am I ever still reveling in that -- I stumbled across a bag of painting supplies. Damn, I've had those a long time. Some of those oils paints and brushes are from a painting class I took in college. I have to say, I was one of the least skilled people in that class, but I had so much FUN it just didn't matter. One of my favorite classes in high school was drawing. Now that I was good at, I admit. I even had one of my ink drawings submitted for a state art show. Sadly, I never got it back, but I remember how good that felt, and also a little scary, that something I had made was being shown off to so many people.

These days, most of my creative urges get channeled into making mixes for friends. Ah yes, I still do love those old mixed tapes I got from boyfriends and made for myself back in high school and college. So now I burn CDs, sad that they have to be so much shorter, but still enjoying the whole process, from song selection and arrangement right down to cover art and typeface choices. But of course by now, we all know about my love affair with music. What I really crave is a creative outlet that is 100% me, where I'm not just sharing other peoples' talents with the world, but my own. Writing, painting, sculpting, collaging -- whatever moves me for the day -- I need to find that outlet, find that way to express myself in a creative fashion, let out some of this pent up creativity that has been seeking a place to go. Who knows, I might just surprise myself and be an artist after all. Or I could just have a whole heck of a lot of fun. The outcome is not what's important here, it's all about enjoying the ride. Namaste.

Sweet Mistakes

"Sweet Mistakes" seems like a great way to open up this blog* because it's just such a great song from every angle. Ellis Paul is, of course, an incredible songwriter. He combines insightful lyrics with upbeat, catchy tunes that reel you in. You find yourself humming the melody, then singing along, and then suddenly you realize what the song is about on your 12th time through.

That's what happened to me with Sweet Mistakes. I loved the song instantly but it took time for me to figure out why. Its chorus talks about one of the keys to life -- learning from our mistakes, being grateful for the opportunities to make them, because it is through them that we grow and change. The mistakes we've made may have hurt when they were happening, but time heals all wounds, and they are part of what makes you who you are today.

But there's a larger meaning to this song too. It's about living your life *your* way, being Who You Really Are, and how the world just laps it up and asks for more. It's about the power of faith. And it's about peace and gratitude, too. It packs quite a lot of punch, and it's fun to sing along with to boot. :)

Artist: Ellis Paul
Website: http://www.ellispaul.com/
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellis_Paul
Song: Sweet Mistakes
Albums: Sweet Mistakes; The Speed of Trees; Essentials

Pop the cork, a champagne glass
Raise to the future, drink to the past
Thank the Lord for the friends he cast,
In the play he wrote for you.
And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch
Blaze a trail to her front porch
Kiss her till your lips are scorched
Till the rain comes down on you

[chorus]
Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumbled you down to your knees.
That brought you to this place
Changing you by degrees...
When change was just what you needed...
What you needed...

So if you live your life in a three piece suit,
In a cocktail dress, or combat boots
You pick your path, you walk your truth
And the world will come round to you.
It's a long strange ride, I can't tell you why
But there's a place in your pocket where peace can abide
You pull it out, it's a compass, a guide
And it will put a little soul on you.

[repeat chorus]

[bridge]
And in this wild blue world
There is a soul weavin' fine feelin' girl
You've got to walk in paradise to find a pearl
If you only believe,
You'll get what you need...
What you needed...
Conquer your fear and you'll master the game,
Life is always and never the same.
Use a little faith to light the flame
And I know you'll connect to you.

[repeat chorus]

Pop the cork, a champagne glass
Raise to the future, drink to the past
Thank the Lord for the friends he cast,
In the play he wrote for you.

Copyright Ellis Paul Publishing SESAC

* I temporarily had a separate music blog and this was my first post on it.

My dark side

My dark side is rearing its ugly head this morning. It's like a cacophony of voices ringing in my head, the voices of fear saying, You'll never be good enough... you're not special... there are thousands of writers and coaches and intuitives and teachers and healers out there. What makes you think you're special? What makes you think you've got something unique or different to say? And the best one of all -- Who do you think you are?

Ah yes, the dark side. My negative self-talk that often masquerades as rational, critical thinking. It can sound so self-protective sometimes, like when a parent is trying to let their child down easy, or give advice the child doesn't really want to hear. Other times it sounds harsh, cruel, angry, throwing past failures (or even current) in my face as if to say, See? If you'd just listened to me in the first place, this never would have happened. And when I'm feeling a little down, what those voices are saying make so much sense. I start thinking you're right, I'm being totally silly here, I should try something more practical, something safe. But something inside of me knows there's only one thing that voice of fear has said that's entirely true -- if I had listened to it in the first place, this never would have happened. The voice means it to be reprimanding, to suggest that next time I should follow its advice. But the real truth is that making those mistakes, putting myself out there in such a way that there's even a possibility of failure is the only way I'm going to grow, the only way I'm going to learn.

You'll hear people talk about not being able to follow their dreams because look how old they are. I can't go to film school, medical school, etc. -- I'm already 30, or 40, or 50! But what they aren't considering is that if they don't go follow that dream, they'll still be however old they are and stuck in the same unfulfilled place they are now. I do not want to be one of those people. What I want more than anything else in this life is to shake off all these feelings of "should have" and "supposed to," all this practical, intellect-based thinking, and really FEEL, really and truly LIVE. And the only way I'm going to be able to do that is to take leaps of faith, to continue to push the envelope, to come out of hiding, to integrate all of the facets of my personality into one ME and show her off to the whole world. And sometimes I'm going to fall flat on my face and bang up my knees (literally and figuratively), but I will always have the support I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again tomorrow.

What is your dream? What would living your life fully look like? What aren't you doing today that feels like a gaping hole in your life, even if it's a hole that has never been filled? You show me yours and I'll show you mine. And then maybe, we can give each other a boost, help each other unfurl those wings, and give flying a try together. Namaste.

What's The Matter

I was really struck by the lyrics of Catie Curtis's "What's The Matter" today. I don't know why I never really noticed this song before, but it's such a good one. I'm really on a heavy music kick this week. Not that I don't always love music and feel connected through music, but I'm just really conscious of it right now. It's like modern poetry. It makes me want to write a song.

I'm keeping it short today and sharing the lyrics of this amazing song with you. Namaste.

What's The Matter

I love this town you can see the stars at night
Even from downtown
'Cause there are no city lights
This town was my biggest fan
'Til I was who I am

CHORUS:
What's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask if why be afraid of this girl
What's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world

I love this town the moon is dancing on the waves
And in the bars half of them are underage
People let a lot slip by
When they look a lot alike

CHORUS

What if I am Black or Jew
Straight or queer mother of two
Run around in a hippie dress
Ride my bike in a leather vest
What's the matter

I love this town where I climbed the apple trees
And that was me cheering for the hometown team
I've got something to give
In this town where I want to live

So what's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask if why be afraid of this girl
What's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask is why be why be
What's the matter
What's the matter
All I ask is why be afraid of this world
Why be afraid

Music makes the world go round

I've spent a substantial part of the day today working. Shocking, I know. I'm really enjoying freelancing because it gives me something a little different to sink my teeth into each day. Today, however, what I enjoyed the most was the opportunity to sit in one place for most of the day listening to music. I have such strong associations with the concept of "work" not being fun -- even though I always laughed a lot and made having fun at the office a priority -- that I felt a little guilty having enjoyed this background aspect of my workday. Yes, something for me to eradicate before I create my next work experience, because I genuinely believe that when your work is play, you are more productive and happier to boot.

Not really surprising after my giddy post last night, I'm enamored with Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. I made myself a "Falling Slowly" station on Pandora and have been listening to it for the past few hours. It's given me additional joy by reminding me of songs I love by Damien Rice (Cold Water), Rosie Thomas (Kite Song), Blue October (Into the Ocean), and Colin Hay (Overkill). Across the universe, Ellis, who has the honor of being the most recent musical love of my life, sent out an email update and included a music video she made for one of her new songs. While it is silly and obviously low budget, I absolutely love the song and played it a few times and danced around my office for a bit.

I swear, music makes the world go round. It is one of the primary ways that I connect emotionally with the rest of the world. Each song has its own little universe contained in it full of love and heartbreak and passion and life. A good song fills up me, makes me FEEL in such a way that my heart wants to burst with its emotion. I'll laugh, and cry, and laugh and cry some more, and then replay the song and do it all over again. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would pick a handful of really talented but mostly unknown singer-songwriters and fund their music careers so that they could share their powerful magic with more of the world.

Who do you love right now? Who knocks you out and makes you want to dance and fills you with passion? Help me in my eternal quest to expand my musical horizons, and thereby my heart and soul. Namaste.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Don!

Once

Oh wow. And wow again. I've had the soundtrack to Once for months but hadn't seen the movie until tonight. Actually, I'm only 30 minutes in and I had to stop to listen to the soundtrack again. I'm falling in love with this movie in a long-term, passionate way and it is 85% because of the music. The other 15% is the wonderful acting and emotion portrayed by the characters, which so far is definitely worth watching and promises to only get better. But the music, especially the primary song Falling Slowly, is just so beautifully haunting it makes me want to cry with the enormity of the emotion. It's like a direct hit to the heart. If you haven't seen this movie or heard this soundtrack, do yourself a favor and get a hold of it as soon as you can. You won't regret it, I promise.

Follow up note, 1/17/08: I finally was able to finish the movie this evening. As promised, it was FANTASTIC. This is one to own!

Finding balance

I have to laugh at myself for not posting yesterday. It's almost like I've been doing so much work and had so much come up for me that I short-circuited my brain and ended up with nothing to write about. As I sit here now I can feel myself being torn in different directions. What's most important for me right now -- my finances? My freelance work? Balancing my chakras? Coming out of hiding? Nurturing myself? Making healthy (and yummy) food choices? Getting my body moving? Connecting with people I value? Being comfortable in my own skin? Just thinking about it all makes the short-circuit kick back in again. I think the key thing for me to focus on in the midst of all of this is BALANCE.

Balance is one of those words you hear people talk about a lot these days. It's trendy, even, which seems odd for something that is so essential to living well. But what does balance look like really? I can tell you one thing for sure -- it does not look like perfection. I think we all have an idea in our heads of what our life would look like if everything were going perfectly. For me, I'd be up early, meditate and do my morning practice, go for a run, eat a healthy breakfast, write a chapter of my book -- all before 10am. It honestly makes my stomach churn to think about how that would play out in reality. I think the key is more to take things one at a time, to live in the moment and be fully committed to what you're doing right now, to mix things up a little bit and not get too hung up on a routine, to make sure each day has a little bit of each of the key ingredients without being too heavy on a single one (love, connection, work, play).

When I first left my job, I made lists of everything I was going to do each day. By the time 3pm rolled around, I was exhausted and hadn't even come close to finishing everything on the daily list, let alone the bigger projects I planned to undertake in my time off. Since then I've discovered what works better for me is to have sort of groups of lists, and to do at least one thing from each group every day. This flows organically for me, to the point that I don't need to look at the list very often. I use it more of a reminder of the things I could do instead of having it weigh me down under the burden of things I should do. And it's amazing how things naturally cycle. In my morning pages each day it's like I receive direction on what's important for me today and I get different messages every day depending on what I need.

Today that direction was loudly and clearly about cultivating friendships with people who like to think about the big picture, changing the world, connecting to Source, living life fully. And more specifically it was about starting with the people that are already in my life and making them more of a priority. By 10am I had already connected with three friends and made plans to meet up with some people for dinner and a discussion about life, the universe, and everything. When you set your intention and begin to take action on that intention, the universe responds in kind. I just love living my life from a place of consciousness, being aware of all of the shifts that are taking place, small and large. It makes each day an adventure to be treasured. And it's a hell of a lot more fun to boot. Have a fabulous, love- and fun-filled day. Namaste.

Order out of chaos

Today felt a bit like the universe was saying, "Oh yeah? Let's see if you really mean that." After the joy of last week's spring cleaning, I've been stoked to tackle a few other organization projects that are ready and waiting for me around the house. First up? The linen closet. I never knew you could cram so much stuff into such a small space. It had gotten so bad that the past few weeks whenever I needed to put something in there, I would just open the door, take whatever was in my hand and shove it into the first available space. It was literally overflowing. It didn't feel like that long ago since I'd tackled at least the shelf with the medicines and toiletries, but it might as well have been last millennium with the state it was in. I vowed that no matter what else came up today, I would tackle that linen closet.

Remembering the last time I'd cleaned it out, I was thinking it was an hour long job, maybe two at the outside. I got in there and started pulling stuff out and pulling stuff out and pulling stuff out until I didn't have any place to put the contents any more. But I knew that the shelves needed to be cleaned off and the carpet vacuumed so I just kept going until the closet was completely empty... and my home was an absolute disaster. By the time the closet was clean and I was ready to even begin throwing things away, let alone putting stuff back in, I'd been working for over an hour. I was beginning to understand the enormity of the task I'd taken on and it was feeling completely overwhelming. I'd like to be able to say that I saw the gift in this situation as it was happening, but I didn't -- I ended up sharing my overwhelment with my mother and husband, aka complaining. My mother, in all her wisdom, reminded me that this experience was a metaphor for life -- sometimes you have to mess things up before you can start seeing the results you are looking for. Just what I needed to hear!

This is exactly the way life works. We recognize that things in our life aren't working out the way we want them to, but we know that change can be disruptive. Moving towards our goals might even make the things we already have and enjoy in our life appear to disappear, and so all too often we stay in a place that feels less than or stuck instead of taking the steps necessary to reach a place of freedom, of more. These small scale examples are life's reminders that even in the midst of great chaos, there is always a divine order waiting for us to discover it. So go ahead, make a big mess of things, it's okay. When you come out the other side all you will be able to see is how everything fits into place beautifully.

I really have to learn to take before shots for comparison purposes, but here's an after picture of my much calmer, orderly linen closet. Aaaah... definitely worth it!

e.e. cummings Quote

yes is a world & in this world of yes live (skilfully curled) all worlds

~e.e. cummings

Room to change

It's Sunday morning and I'm moving a little bit slowly. I've been sitting in bed with my laptop doing my morning pages, checking my email, fiddling around with the blog. Somewhere in the backdrop I was aware of my cat Morgan crying, but that isn't unusual. Morgan is one of those cats who will leave the room that contains everyone else in the family and then cry as if to say, Where is everybody? So my thoughts are somewhere else completely and I hear this sort of funny scratching sound and I think she must have found a bug, which would account for the crying. I look up and instead see Morgan hanging out of the top of my chest of drawers. The front of one of the drawers fell off a while back, so I moved it to the top of the dresser and use it like a shelf for my t-shirts. Morgan had squeezed herself in amongst the piles of shirts, not very well mind you as she ended up falling right back out again. It was so startling I burst out laughing, which of course annoyed Morgan to no end. I tried to apologize to her saying it was just that I had never seen her do anything even remotely like that in all of her six years with us. She's not a jumper, having difficulty even getting up on the couch with grace, and she's not one of those cats who likes to crawl into anything and everything they can fit in. But my cats never cease to amaze me with the crazy new things they come up with, even in the midst of a life that appears to be all routine, and mostly sleep.

The truth is, however, that if we pay attention, the people in our lives can amaze us as well. The reason we don't usually notice that, however, is that we expect them not to change. Have you ever had a full conversation in your head with someone and then you're surprised later when you try to talk to them about it and they have no idea what you're talking about? We think we know the people in our lives so well that we know what they'll say or do around just about anything. The funny thing about that for me is that I am so invested in my own growth and work pretty hard to shift the way I interact with the people around me so that I am showing up more authentically -- meaning, it would be challenging for someone to know how I was going to react at any given time because I'm not sure I would know that myself in advance. So why can't I apply that concept to the other people in my life? Now, I'm not saying that we should expect people to change -- that really never works and just leaves us disappointed. I guess all I'm saying is that we should leave them room to change. Don't assume you know what your mother or your brother or your wife thinks about something -- ask them. I suspect they'll surprise you.

Resistance is futile

I'm tempted to create some giant flash cards with sayings like "You'll feel so good once you've done it!" and "Just get started!" and possibly even "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration." Something I can look at when I feel the haze of distraction coming over me to drown out the siren song that is making me want to play video games or fool around on Facebook instead of doing my morning pages or cleaning out the linen closet. This week I've been so aware of the demon of resistance raising its ugly head. It is completely insidious, and sometimes almost impossible to spot.

If you've read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy, you might remember the Somebody Else's Problem field. I always loved this concept of an invisibility field that worked because people's eyes would just slide off of something that they thought was somebody else's problem. That sort of slipping around or off of something is how I often feel when resistance is coming up. I'll be sitting at my desk cleaning out my inbox and getting organized for the day and I'll say okay, now I'm going to do my physical therapy exercises. Without me consciously noticing, my mind will throw up the equivalent of an SEP field that makes my mind slip right past that thought and remember something it wanted me to google or something I "should" do on Facebook. An hour later I'm looking back over my list of things to do today and I notice "exercises / ice" is still there. I pick up the pen and start to cross it off when it occurs to me I haven't actually done them yet. I feel a bit like I've just had a prank pulled on me and I'll get up to do my exercises and almost immediately a haze comes over me and... I have to shake myself and force my legs to carry me into the other room and start doing my work.

Resistance has one goal -- to keep us from changing. My husband likes to quote Wayne's World saying, "We fear change." And it's true! Our ego is invested in us staying the same, keeping things comfortable, and ultimately keeping us small. Our spirit is invested in us becoming more, growing and learning and expanding into the people we were born to be. When we try to follow the voice of spirit, our ego digs into its bag of tricks and starts throwing road blocks in our way. Some of them are obvious -- I've learned to recognize the voice of fear in my head and know that if it's telling me not to do something, then that's exactly what I need to do. But resistance is usually a lot more subtle, using highly honed skills of rationalization to hide its true nature. The more I pay attention to what I'm doing, thinking, and saying, the more I can recognize when I'm in resistance. I'm getting to the point where I often notice the SEP field within minutes and I can get myself back on track, but it takes practice -- give yourself a consciousness vacation and see how quickly the roots of resistance coil back around your mind. For me anyway, it's all about creating new habits. Even if they're in keeping with your spirit's goals for you, your ego recognizes them as routines and relaxes a little bit. And the more you practice staying in the present moment and truly pay attention to what's happening around you, the more prepared you'll be when your ego throws up its next resistance smoke screen. You can look the resistance right in the eye, tell it you know what it is doing, and move through it towards your goal. I promise, each step out of resistance is easier than the last, and while practice might not make perfect, it definitely does strengthen the tools you have at your disposal to release resistance more and more quickly.

Wish me luck in shifting my habits. And please, send out a search party into the lands of resistance if you don't see me for a few days. Namaste.

Strength

One of the joys of being between jobs is the flexibility inherent in the situation. If I wake up in the morning and need to spend some time on forgiveness work, I can. If a book falls off a shelf asking to be read, I can follow that urge. If nature is calling me out into its luscious depths, I can pack up and go for a walk. I am spending a lot of time listening and following the guidance I receive. Ultimately, my hope is that it will lead me to an income source, so a lot of my focus is on my life's purpose and seeing what the next step on that path looks like.

Earlier this week, the daily "big idea" email I get from thinkArete.com was about Dr. Mark Seligman's Authentic Happiness. The short idea is that if you figure out what your strengths are and use them, you will find happiness. I was, of course, intrigued and checked out the Authentic Happiness website and discovered a whole slew of interesting looking questionnaires, including the one calling to me -- Signature Strengths. My results were both unsurprising and edifying, and I feel compelled to share the top five (of 24) with you today.

My top strength is Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith. Not surprising considering how much time I am currently dedicating to my connection to my Source. I would guess that if I had taken this questionnaire a year ago, this would not have turned up number one, but today it truly is the best thing I have going for me and the source of the contentment I find in each day.

My second strength is Appreciation of beauty and excellence. This is definitely one that I try to cultivate. I happen to believe I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, so most days this is easy, but I can find beauty in anything, anyone, anywhere.

My third strength is Love of learning. Oh, if Ms. Tinsley could just see me now. I was the bane of many a schoolteacher's existence -- that kid who didn't pay attention in class, never did her homework, but still did well on tests. I always had an affinity for learning, but was so often bored it didn't come out in school until I was about halfway through college. As an adult, learning is a source of great pleasure for me, and I find myself taking classes whenever I can.

My fourth strength is Perspective (wisdom). Who knew I was so wise? I definitely do believe that we each hold a unique perspective, and mine is valuable precisely because it is uniquely mine. The unique perspectives of other individuals help me to hone my own, and I hope vice versa. The world is such an interesting place full of such interesting people. And hey, I'm one of them!

My fifth strength is Capacity to love and be loved. I love just about everyone I come in contact with. Now, that doesn't mean I always like them, but I can always find something in them to love. I am also blessed with parents whose love for me I have never had reason to doubt, affectionate and loving family members, a burgeoning family of choice (aka my friends), and the love of a supportive husband and adoring cats. It's a good place to be.

I love having the opportunity to explore and celebrate my strengths. I have spent too much of my life being my own biggest critic, focusing on all of my weaknesses and flaws. Just thinking about my strengths brings a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. Isn't that a much better place to live? I already feel that authentic happiness flooding into my life, and I've only just begun. Namaste.

The glory of emotions

I've been feeling very emotional this week. Like today, for instance, I was watching the last few minutes of Coyote Ugly while I ate my lunch. Not exactly a tearjerker, but I was totally welling up at pretty much any show of love, caring, or kindness the characters gave each other. It is a good sign for me. I am an incredibly emotional person but I was raised to believe showing that emotion was a sign of weakness. I cry when I feel any intense emotion, something that does not serve me when a boss calls me into his office to reprimand me or I'm experiencing deep frustration with a team member on a project. So over the years I learned to repress those emotions, shoving them down under layers of practicality. But it isn't like they go away. No, they act like volcanic pressure slowly building up until one day they explode with a passion all over some poor, unsuspecting, and most likely undeserving person. They also show up in the form of back pain, knee pain, headaches, stomach aches -- uncomfortable ways for them to seep out whatever their form. So experiencing emotion freely and in the moment is a relief, a positive change. Next up is to stop judging myself and feeling silly when the reaction appears to be an overreaction, to listen to what those emotions are telling me and follow their guidance.

I am far from alone in judging people during displays of emotion. Look at what happened to Hillary this week when she had an emotional moment while campaigning. People were talking about how this proves she's weak and that women won't make good presidents because they are too emotional. But I had the exact opposite reaction. I was so relieved to see her show her softer side, to have that emotion come to the surface and leak out. It made her more human and it made me like her more. Having a president with a full range of emotions who recognizes them as valuable and doesn't sweep them under a rug might be exactly what this country needs. Emotions are powerful guidance systems, especially if you are in touch with your intuitive and spiritual nature, and having leaders who are guided by ego and pride hasn't been working out too well for us. I believe that this new millennium is about transformation, about going to the next level and moving from merely surviving to expansive thriving. The consciousness of the country and the world is making a palpable shift, and I expect we'll start to see that shift showing up in our government too. I can't predict what the results of this election year will bring, but I do know that whatever happens, people are waking up, starting to pay attention in different ways, to focus on what they find to be most important and to make choices to bring positive change to their lives and the world. Just thinking about these opportunities brings tears to my eyes, and I am so relieved that I can feel those feelings right now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And namaste.

Spring cleaning

There is something so incredibly satisfying about cleaning. And I don't mean the scrub the toilet and vacuum kind of cleaning. I mean the reorganization of books and pens and jewelry and even furniture and throwing out everything that isn't nailed down kind of cleaning. I usually associate it with spring, when you can throw open the windows and doors and let that wonderful freshness into your home. Today is about as winter in the Bay Area as you can get -- gray and cool and raining -- but that compulsion to do a little spring cleaning came over me this morning and I succumbed to its wonderful pressure. Wonderful because of the calmness and centeredness that comes over me when I get to soak up the results. It can be difficult to stop once I get rolling. I finish one thing and I see another and another and another that all need to be taken care of immediately too. I'm the kind of person that goes to bed when the sun goes down, but I've been known to stay up past midnight rearranging my bookshelves or cleaning out a closet.

This physical reorganization is about so much more than just making my home feel that much homier, a good enough reason in itself. It's about the way that it opens me up to do internal reorganization as well, setting the example outside so that my insides know what to do. If I've been banging my head up against a wall trying to work something through, a little spring cleaning is the magic ingredient to make everything fall into place. I'm not saying that I had any great epiphanies this morning -- insight is not a requirement for this process -- but I can tell from the shift in how I am resonating with my surroundings that it is working. There are still a few hours of daylight left -- is there anything else I can tackle today?

Upanishads Quote

God made the senses turn outwards, man therefore looks outwards, not into himself. But occasionally a daring soul, desiring immortality, has looked back and found himself.

~The Upanishads

Sunrise, Sunset

It is 4 o'clock in the afternoon and it feels like the sun just rose. We're in the midst of several days of stormy weather -- and I mean stormy, lots and lots of wind, rain and even thunder and lightening, unheard of around here -- and over the past hour the rain started to let up and the sky got lighter until finally the sun came out. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm reminded of the Ray Bradbury story "All Summer in a Day" where the sun comes out every seven years for one hour. A melodramatic comparison, I know, but it's amazing how much a little sun can turn my energy around. I've spent my day feeling blah with very little energy, not feeling motivated to do anything -- I played Civ this morning instead of meditating and doing my morning pages -- but now that the sun is out I feel like dancing around the living room in my underwear. Or something.

All in time for the sun to set. Okay, we've got about an hour, but it is kind of funny timing. I bet it will be a beautiful one with lots of pinks and purples reflected in the clouds that are still lingering, reminders of how recently we were granted a reprieve. It's easy to get spoiled by beautiful weather living in California. I choose to view days like this as gifts, enabling me to soak up the contrast created between the downpour and the sun and find the beauty in all of it. I'm so grateful for my sunrise this afternoon, and I anticipate a beautiful sunset to follow shortly. May you find beauty in this day as well. Namaste.

The shining

The new year did not get kicked off exactly as I planned. I ended up being waylaid by a stomach flu of some sort. While it was a very purging way to start the year, I would have preferred to do it my way, and definitely more gently. Isn't that always the way?

While I was caught up in the flu I found myself full of doubt, wondering if the choices I've made in my life these past few months were the right ones. Between jobs, focusing on my own personal growth instead of on making a buck, the lack of income has been a challenge. When I've gotten quiet and listened, I've been reassured that I am right on track, that the work I've been doing is exactly what I needed to be doing and that the income would sort itself out in time. But that voice was hard to find this week, and the voices of "logic" and "lack" loomed large instead.

The good news is that now that I've recovered my energy, I'm finding myself feeling very clear, very much on purpose, and very connected to that message of being in the right place. I feel very... full. Ironic considering how little I've eaten this week, but it makes a surprising amount of sense. I'm reminded of the movie Stardust -- Claire Danes plays a star who has fallen to earth. When she is happy, she begins to shine, filling with light that pours out all over. That's how I feel, like Who I Am is filling me up and pouring out, shining for all the world to see. It's no wonder really that I feel full.

Well, I should probably put a little food in my body as well to ensure that it isn't just lightheadedness I'm feeling. If you're in the Bay Area, stay dry and firmly planted to the earth during this storm. It's good to be back. Namaste.

Home again, home again

Dorothy was right -- there really is no place like home. The air is warm and clear, my cats are cuddling up with me, and perhaps most importantly, I have no obligations weighing on me. I am beautifully, gloriously not busy. I am so grateful to all the work I did before my trip that resulted in a smooth Connecticut experience, however I have absolutely no desire to do any further work myself right now. That earlier feeling of not wanting to take a vacation is completely gone, and I'm giving myself the rest of the year off -- a vacation to recuperate from my vacation. Some time to dabble in the age-old joy of doing nothing. My friend and mentor Caroline Reynolds is calling 2008 the Year of Power. Amen! And so I'm going to spend the next couple of days powering down -- for me, another form of healing, of rejuvenating -- so that I can power up successfully and hit the ground running in the new year.

So, enjoy the festivities, whatever you choose to participate in, and I will see you in the new year, ready to experience its unfoldment into the love and light that I know it is bringing. Namaste.

Dead Poets Society Quote

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And, the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, 'O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless -- of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these O me, O life? Answer. That you are here -- that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.' That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

~John Keating in Dead Poets Society