Lessons in expectation

Parenthood is most definitely the hardest best thing I've ever done. While I have never doubted my decision to become a mother, I have doubted just about every other decision I've made, whether it's about returning to work full-time, living in one of the most expensive places in the country, or even moving into a two-story townhouse. Wherever I am in time or place, I almost always can be thinking of at least one other thing that I'd either rather be doing or feel like I should be doing.

It's enough to drive me over the edge -- and it did this week. I completely lost it, sobbing hysterically for about twenty minutes and continuing to have bouts of weeping periodically throughout the day until the emotion had finished draining from my body. It was an incredibly freeing experience. I realized I had been carrying around with me all of these expectations -- mostly of myself -- and every time I didn't live up to one (which was practically constantly), it was adding a small burden. Those small burdens had multiplied until I was nearly crippled beneath their weight. The release of emotion enabled me to drop that weight, and it was like I was suddenly filled with helium -- I felt so light yesterday I was nearly giddy.

Nothing had changed in my external experience. If anything, yesterday was an even crazier day -- not only did I have back-to-back meetings, I had overlapping meetings, and a doctor's appointment that included my second blood-draw of the week. When I went to pick up a prescription last night, I found out I have a deductible on brand-name scrips, and I had to spend over $100 to get this one out of hock. My response? Laughter. I walked through the day so lightly that I actually enjoyed myself. I let go of my expectation that I would get anything done, and somehow found the time to be productive in the midst of all of the meetings.

I have to laugh at myself for how many times I've had to learn this lesson the hard way. But until I truly *get* it, I suspect it will continue to keep coming up. In the interim, I'm enjoying my newfound lightness, and the way it enables me to stay fully present in my time with my son. And nothing could be a greater gift than that.

Photo: "when expectations are reversed," originally uploaded by psyberartist

Aaah . . .

A friend of mine posted a quote from my dear favorite Hāfez this morning: "There are so many gifts still unopened from your birthday." I realized it doesn't matter what he's saying, it just makes my whole being open up, relax, and let go. I was moved to seek out inspiration from another Sufi this morning, Rumi. After a few minutes of surrendering to the perspectives of these beautiful mystics, I felt the challenges of this week fall off of me.

One of the biggest challenges for me this week has been shaking off some of the recent decisions made by this lovely state that I live in, California. First, there was the news that Prop. 8 (banning gay marriage) was being upheld, followed quickly by the governor's latest budget recommendation that includes, amongst other gems, cutting so much revenue to our state parks that 80% of them would have to close. After moving through my intial feelings of disappointment and frustration, I was able to find peace in the reminder that times of great change are often accompanied by chaos as the smallness and limiting beliefs created by fear are ultimately dissipated by the expansive, creative, loving energy of our ongoing growth. This snippet of Rumi's wisdom seemed especially appropriate to me this morning:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense.

From: The Essential Rumi, by Coleman Barks

Here are a couple of other treasures from the realm of Rumi's wisdom. I hope that they have a similar opening, expansive, releasing feeling for you today, and that your being can relax into the Aaah . . . . Namaste.


Moving Water
~ by Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river
moving in you, a joy.

When actions come from another section, the feeling
disappears. Don't let

others lead you. They may be blind or, worse, vultures.
Reach for the rope

of God. And what is that? Putting aside self-will.
Because of willfulness

people sit in jail, the trapped bird's wings are tied,
fish sizzle in the skillet.

The anger of police is willfulness. You've seen a magistrate
inflict visible punishment. Now

see the invisible. If you could leave your selfishness, you
would see how you've

been torturing your soul. We are born and live inside black water in a well.

How could we know what an open field of sunlight is? Don't
insist on going where

you think you want to go. Ask the way to the spring. Your
living pieces will form

a harmony. There is a moving palace that floats in the air
with balconies and clear

water flowing through, infinity everywhere, yet contained
under a single tent.

From: The Glance


This We Have Now
~ by Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

This we have now
is not imagination.

This is not
grief or joy.

Not a judging state,
or an elation,
or sadness.

Those come and go.
This is the presence that doesn't.

From: The Essential Rumi


Photo: "Sunset gateway," originally uploaded by Mirko Macari

In Blackwater Woods

The past couple of weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster ride. The highs have been fantastic and have been wrapped up mostly in the baby who is now doing somersaults in my belly. I've started prenatal yoga, and this small step of self-nurture has been absolutely golden, completely necessary and fulfilling, and yet another beautiful way for me to connect with baby. We had an incredibly productive day last weekend where we unpacked enough of the right stuff to finally feel like we truly live here. Now all of my inspirational books have been moved onto a new bookcase in the bedroom, the beginnings of a new reading nook we're creating in there. It all feels so good.

The lows have surrounded love and loss and probably a fair amount of nostalgia. I went to visit my family in Georgia and spent a couple of days with my grandparents on my mother's side. They spend their days remembering how things used to be, resisting the way things are now, and are slowly slipping away into Alzheimer's and senility. My last few visits, I've been highly conscious of how this may be the last, and so I try to soak up as much as I can while I am there, but it is easy to slip into a place of nostalgia, of remembering the good ol' days through the rosy veil that memory provides. Home again, I find my uncle scanning in old pics of my father's family, including some true gems of my early days with my grandfather, who made his transition several years ago now. The pictures make me smile, but also bring tears to my eyes as I remember just how much I miss him.

Life truly is a cycle, and these past couple of weeks have been full of the reminder that this new life in my belly in some respects replaces life that has come before. Individuals ebb and flow into our lives, and we are truly blessed to be touched by so many. Now that my books have been freed from their two-month bondage in boxes, I was pleased to be able to pull Risking Everything back off the shelf and uncover a wonderful poem by Mary Oliver that connects with the feelings tumbling around within me. Her words remind me of the power of love in this ephemeral world. Enjoy, and namaste.

In Blackwater Woods
by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Photo: "1930's postcards- in sepia," originally uploaded by aussiegall

Returning to myself

The best things in life are nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties in your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

So I took my own advice from yesterday--not that I realized I was giving advice--and went for a walk at the beach today. "Happily I recover. . . . / Happily I go forth. . . . / With lovely feelings may I walk. / As it used to be long ago, may I walk." I had woken up this morning feeling off my game. After a week of being a bit under the weather, I was finally feeling better . . . so my Intellect gifted me with a flurry of thoughts that supposedly needed urgent attention. I realized that this tension I've been feeling in my neck and shoulders is a direct result of stress, which always surprises me. A year ago, I was working a crazy schedule plus a hellish commute for a job that I hated. What do I have to be stressed out about now?, I ask myself.

But that's not really how it works. Whatever is going on your life is always the largest thing you've ever had to deal with. Not true, I know, but especially as time passes and you adjust to life as it has become, the things that happened in the past lose their full color and whatever is up for you right now feels HUGE. You can hear about starving children and domestic violence and rights abuses and whatever else makes the news today and think, how do my worries compare to that? Well, they don't. But not because your challenges are inherently less important--it's really that life isn't relative. Sure, you can always do more for those other folks you're hearing about it, and they may or may not receive relief from it or appreciate it. But none of that will make what's going on for you go away. You are living your life in this moment, the present moment, the only moment there is, and therefore this moment is the most important moment in your life, in your world.

Which is how I came to be at the beach today. I realized that I'd allowed all the relativity, the shoulds, the external stresses to become more important that this moment. None of it really matters. Sure, I could use a larger income. Sure, very little would make me happier right now than being able to move. Sure, I have work to do around my house, for my clients, for myself. But when I stop experiencing the present moment, stop recognizing its importance, stop taking care of myself in this moment, then I have completely missed the point of living.

Now that I am back home again, those issues that felt oh-so-important this morning are still there, lingering in the back of my mind, but they no longer feel urgent, no longer feel larger than life. Because now I remember the smell of the ocean, the majesty of the seagulls and the pelicans, the feel of cypress bark on my skin. The work flows easily now, the stresses roll off me like water, and I am grounded, present, centered, and truly alive. Order has been restored to my small corner of the Universe, and all is well again. Life truly is good. Namaste.

Photo: "Old tree branch on a sandy beach, " originally uploaded by René Ehrhardt

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Ghosts

I've been feeling ghosts all around me lately. Not the ghosts of those who have left this world--I know that in a way because they have moved on they are always with me--but the ghosts of old friends who used to be a large part of my life but due to geography or priorities or whatnot are no longer around. I see them in old pictures, hear them in classic songs, even have them cropping up in restless dreams. Suddenly, I'm missing people I haven't thought of in months or seen in years and I feel sad.

My mom calls me a pack rat, and that applies to people as well as to things. I hate to let people go, even when it is obviously time, when we've grown apart or aren't helping each other to grow any longer. It's true, I have this dream of being able to gather everyone I've ever loved into one community so that they may continue to be a part of my life even if it's only to run into each other at Town Hall meetings. There's a piece of me that hungers for that small town feel where it's a rare person that moves into the town and an even rarer one that leaves, where everybody knows everybody and their business, for good or for bad.

And yet, no one is aware more than I am that it is precisely because I've led the somewhat transient life I've led, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and moving into new areas with new people, that I've been able to grow and change as much as I have. The old friends, while still dear to me, could not have helped me to get to where I am today. They've had their own paths to explore, and I've needed fresh ideas, fresh motivations to nudge me along my own. There was a time and a place for us to be together, and the time may come where we'll meet again. But in the meantime, I'm always being pushed out of my nest out in the wide world, where no one is really a stranger, they're just friends I haven't collected yet.

And so, I am writing this to honor my ghosts, to let them know I will never forget them. I will be here when the time is right for us to be in community again. In the meantime, best of luck on the journey. Namaste.

Photo: "Lighthouse in sepia," originally uploaded by eva

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The freedom of forgiveness

I had such a thought-provoking comment on my Forgiveness post from last week that I felt drawn to write a follow-up post on the subject. I'm re-posting the comment here as this blog lives in two places so not everyone would have had a chance to view the original. James said:

Forgiveness is an interesting concept. Such an easy word, but so difficult to master. I have recently turned to Taoism to find my way. In my readings, I have found that sometimes forgiveness is a selfish act. I had a friend do something very low down to me. I forgave him. We aren’t friends, we won’t hang out anytime soon, but the forgiveness was a selfish act, it was to make me feel better. It was to let the bad energy leave me. But recently, my wife and I have come under a lot of stress, which has turned into arguments. It is tough to forgive, because that kind of forgiveness can’t be selfish, it has to be giving. I have a hard time with that…hence the Taoist way. Hopefully I will be enlightened and learn.

James raises such a good point, that we can think of forgiveness as selfish because it makes us feel better. But forgiveness does far more than make you feel better--it creates healing (or at least an opening for healing) for both parties concerned. Forgiveness really isn't about the other person--it is your reaction to what occurred that created you being upset in the first place, and so really it is all about you clearing up your own energy around the situation and/or the person and releasing any negative buildup. However, that doesn't mean that the other person isn't affected by it. As Catherine Ponder says, "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." That link is a two-way street, usually with negative energy circulating between the two people involved even if they aren't interacting with each other. The more we hold on to our negative thoughts about what happened, the more negativity flows back and forth along that link. Once it has been dissolved, however, no matter who does the dissolving, both parties will reap the benefits of the forgiveness by no longer being caught in an endless loop of anger.

Now, sometimes it is easier to forgive when you think of it as being selfish. The other person hurt you and while you know you need to let the anger go so that you are no longer continuing to hurt yourself after the fact, you don't necessarily want to help the other person either. I think this might be a good time to point out that no matter what happens between two people, there are always two sides, two ways of perceiving what took place. Usually, our feelings of hurt don't come from the facts of the situation themselves, they come from the way we choose to interpret the facts. In the heat of strong emotion it may be difficult to recognize you have a choice about the interpretation, but the recognition of that choice is perhaps the most freeing realization you can ever have.

But no matter how you think about it, forgiveness is both selfish and giving. Whether you choose to forgive for your own energetic benefit or because your relationship with another requires you to be as loving and as giving as you can be, the best thing you can do for everyone involved is to forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive the other person, forgive the situation, forgive the person, just keep on forgiving until you genuinely feel like all of the roots of the anger have dissipated. Forgiveness is the quickest road to freedom there is. Namaste.

Photo: "A Brand New Day," originally uploaded by Hendra Saputra

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Forgiveness

When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.
~La Rochefoucauld

Inspired by Catherine Ponder, I've been doing some great work around forgiveness this week. I found this ritual by Rev. Peggy Ray online and wanted to share it with you. I've found it really useful and recommend spending some time with it once a day for at least a week. Don't feel like you're harboring any resentments? Dig a little deeper, or perhaps start with yourself. Where there's even a smidgen of hard feelings, spending a few minutes in forgiveness can create healing you weren't even aware you needed. Namaste.

Healing Relationships Ritual

Sit comfortably in a chair, with your back upright, and your feet flat on the floor. Breathe slowly, deeply and rhythmically for at least five minutes. There is no need to hurry through this exercise. Let your body and breath slow to a peaceful, comfortable rhythm before going further.

Now imagine yourself surrounded by a beautiful cocoon of golden light. Let it settle softly about you, comforting and protecting you within its soothing glow. Feel yourself snuggling into it, feeling safe and warmed by its light. This is the healing light of God's love and tender concern for you.

Say the Unity prayer aloud to yourself:

The Light of God surrounds me The love of God enfolds me The power of God protects me The presence of God watches over me Wherever I am, God is And all is well.

Now focus again on the golden light all around you. Begin to draw this healing cocoon of God's love into your heart. Breathe in, inhaling slowly, drawing it deeply deeply deeply into your body. Let this wonderful healing light fill your heart with warmth and love. Feel it expanding throughout your body, healing any hurt areas within your emotions or heart. Circulate this golden energy all through your body, breathing deeply and easily as you do so. Take as long as you need to allow this energy to flow wherever it needs to.

Now visualize that the person that you are having difficulty with is sitting across from you. They are not allowed to speak to you or touch you without your permission or an invitation to do so. As clearly as you can, tell them your truth. Tell them about your anger, your pain, the hurt that you feel. Try not to blame them or to make them wrong, but to offer them the gift of your truth. Stay as centered on your own feelings and pain as you can. Say everything you need to say, leaving nothing back. Then recite the following prayer, beginning with their full name:

________, I forgive you for any pain that you have ever brought to me in this life or in any other life, whether real or imagined, deliberate or unintentional.

I ask that you, _______, forgive me for any hurt that I have ever brought to you, in this life or in any other life, whether real or imagined, deliberate or unintentional.

I bless you, I release you to God's care and keeping, and I set us both free.

Now imagine two enormous hands of light, with palms cupped directly in front of you. Visualize them as huge, tender, loving hands - God's hands, and they are as big as the room. Release the person and the situation into these beautiful tender hands of light. Just lay it all down into these loving hands. Surrender the other person, and the entire situation into God's care and keeping. See yourself being set free as you release this heavy burden. It has taken a tremendous amount of energy to carry this pain. Take a moment to forgive yourself for having had angry or fearful thoughts about the other person.

Draw in another deep breath from your golden cocoon of light, and let the love slowly circulate all through your body, filling the areas that were full of hate just a few moments ago. Breathe deeply and slowly, and notice how light you feel. If you wish, crawl into those loving caring hands and lay your other burdens down as well. Feel these beautiful tender hands gently cradling you, rocking you, comforting you. Stay and rest in this healing peace as long as you need to.

End with this prayer:

Mother-Father-God, I thank you with joy and with gratitude for allowing me to shift, to grow, to heal. I know now that I am not doomed to endlessly hate and hurt. Through your love and tender care I am set free. Thank you for the light of your love as it illuminates my life and heals the wounds within. Amen.

Do this as often as you feel necessary until the situation is resolved. On a soul level we are all connected, so this healing energy will reach the other person, whether they are still on the Earth or have already passed on. No healing is ever lost.

Photo: "my balcony," originally uploaded by shikeroku

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Best laid plans

This week has left me wondering if it's possible to have jet lag without getting on a plane or traveling from one time zone to another. My return from vacation has left me a wee bit disoriented this week and I'm having to completely let go of the idea that I am "on top of" just about anything. Ultimately, this is a very good thing for me, releasing me from my sea of "shoulds" and allowing me to just be. However it does mean that my idea of returning to our regularly scheduled programming this week was a little premature.

The good news is, I've got a lot of fun and exciting stuff going on...

Chinese Medicine. A lot of my time this week has been taken up with the basics of getting started with a Chinese medicine regimen. I've gone to the clinic twice this week for acupuncture and massage and I'm on day two of my yummy and delicious (yes, that was sarcastic) herbs. It's all a lot more involved than I realized it was going to be when I signed on, but I really appreciate the holistic approach to wellness they take and feel like it dovetails nicely with my spirit-based approach. It feels like a way to release old patterns and behaviors and their effects on my body as I do the same with my mind.

Training Walks. As my walks get longer, more and more of my time is invested into my Avon Walk training. This weekend, I'm squeezing in a 14-miler on Sunday and a 7-miler on Monday. Even my weekday training is expanding, moving from 3 miles on Tuesdays and Thursdays to 4 miles. I'm still loving the process and just going with the flow, enjoying the ride, and trying not to focus too much on the time aspect.

Globe Sound Healing Conference. I was recently introduced to sound healing and discovered there's an institute in San Francisco that specializes in this concept. They have an annual conference that happens to be this weekend, and I managed to get myself on their mailing list in time to volunteer to work the conference in exchange for free admission. I am especially interested in anything having to do with voice and music, but really I find it all fascinating. I'm sure to learn a lot from this experience and I'll have much to share with you all next week.

Family Visit. Next Thursday I head to Georgia to experience some true jet lag, traveling to visit my family there. I don't know how much internet access I'll have while I'm gone, but I am sure I will have plenty of stories when I return. Spending time with my family is wonderful on many levels, and provides me ample opportunities to practice what I'm learning. Wish me luck.

And, as always, I have a lot of things I want to share, but I will limit myself to just one today. CNN recently published a great article of Martha Beck's from a back issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, entitled, "How to feast on joy every day." In a world where dieting is ubiquitous, it was wonderful to read this article about truly feasting. Let me leave you with the thought that concludes this article:

"If you have a choice between a feast of love and any other option, go with love. Compared with other activities, love-feasts will mess up your life, complicate your career, wear you out, make you crazy. But I guarantee that when you look back over the time you've spent on earth, the feasts of love will be the events you'll remember most joyfully, the experiences that will make you glad you have lived."

Photo: "Distilled Moment," originally uploaded by Angelo Juan Ramos

A New Earth: The Pain-Body

Jenn's thoughts and learnings from the fifth week of A New Earth: The Oprah Web Event.

Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?
~Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Ah, the pain-body. There's some really good stuff to be learned and applied here with this chapter and segment of the A New Earth webinar. In addition to two stories that I've heard many times before and still just get so much out of, I had one really big Aha! moment that I'll share with you.

The Duck With a Human Mind
Eckhart tells this story in both The Power of Now and A New Earth. He was watching two ducks on a pond one day. When they got a little too close, perhaps in each other's territory, there was a big flutter of commotion and a brief battle ensued. They separated from each other, still agitated, and then both lifted themselves up and shook their wings vigorously, releasing the energy from the fight and leaving them free to float away peacefully. It's a story that shows you how our human mind and human thought processes are not always a gift. When two people have an altercation like this, they walk away muttering to themselves, retelling the story, preparing themselves for how they'll act next time based on this occurrence. People relive the pain of a single moment hundreds if not thousands, or even millions, of times, causing ongoing pain instead of temporary pain. There is a great lesson to learn from the ducks about experiencing the emotion and then just shaking your wings, letting it slide right off of you, not telling yourself the story over and over again reliving the pain.

Carrying the Past
Oh how I love this Zen story. I've heard it dozens of times, but gain deeper awareness with each retelling. In Eckhart's words:

"Two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, . . . were talking along a country road that had become exremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side. The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. 'Why did you carry that girl across the road?' he asked. 'We monks are not supposed to do things like that.' 'I put the girl down hours ago,' said Tanzan. 'Are you still carrying her?'"

The past is past. The present is all there is. Let it go, let it go, let it go.

The Monster Within
I've spent more than 15 years connecting with the wisdom I have within me. My big Aha! this week was about the monster within--the pain-body. Do you have anyone in your life that despite all your best efforts, you still clash with, or perhaps they still push your buttons like no one else can? I've got a couple of people in my life that it seems like no matter what I do or say, they find a way to be upset with me, to find fault with me, and ultimately, to push my buttons. Eckhart's description of this as the pain-body really opened my eyes, made me realize that when I feel like the rug has just been pulled out from underneath me and the person I'm interacting with has just undergone a personality change, it's really their pain-body coming out to play. And because these pain-bodies have had so much success getting a reaction out of me in the past, they are going to keep coming at me until I find a way to be fully present with these individuals. Eckhart's advice: don't react, don't judge, just be compassionate, stand still in your awareness and allow the moment to be what it is. If you can remain present and not engage in the drama, the pain-body will either subside or go find someone else to play with. The key there is to remain present, as most pain-bodies are highly skilled in triggering unconsciousness in even the most aware people. This is definitely one for me to practice, alongside increasing my awareness of my own pain-body and its methods for manipulating me and those around me.

Photo: "duck on a pond," originally uploaded by Peter Shanks

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Goodnight

I was listening to the radio in my car yesterday when I caught the lyrics "You have to leave the ground to learn the fly" in the song that was playing. This morning I looked it up and discovered it was a wonderfully simple song by a band I'm not familiar with called ZOX. I loved its imagery of releasing what you don't need any more and living in the present moment. Not to mention the power of understanding that you have to take a leap of faith before you can begin to soar. Lovely all the way around.

Artist: ZOX
Song: Goodnight
Album: Line in the Sand
Website: http://www.zoxband.com/
More information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zox



Goodnight
To the city and the sea
To the strangers in the street
Goodnight
To the ghosts out in the hall
The paint peeling off the walls
Goodnight

Sometimes I
Stand between the sidewalk and the sky
And just stare into the clouds as they pass by
You have to leave the ground to learn to fly

Goodnight
To the TV and the clocks
To the rain that never stops
Goodnight
To everyone I know
Shut my eyes and let em go
Goodnight

Sometimes I
Stand between the sidewalk and the sky
And just stare into the clouds as they pass by
You have to leave the ground to learn to fly

There is something beautiful dying every day
And for the first time in my life I’m not afraid
Cause there is nothing in this world that doesn’t change

Goodnight
To the person I have been
To the place that I am in
Goodnight
Tomorrow hello to the sun
Are you ready here I come
Goodnight

Sometimes I
Stand between the sidewalk and the sky
And just stare into the clouds as they pass by
You have to leave the ground to learn to fly

Step 2: Clear the Slate

From the Steps to Learning How to Fly series.

One of the largest obstacles to living life fully is the white noise, the clutter that builds up in our minds and bodies. Think of yourself as a receiver--in addition to the voice of your intuition, your inner guidance system, you're getting input from your environment, from the people around you, and from the other voices in your head like fear and your inner critic. We recently got a new clock radio that picks up so many stations, it often dilutes the quality of the ones we want to listen to, creating static and dissonance. This is what having so much input all at once does to you--it clogs up the works so that you can't hear the messages coming to you from the universe, you can't discern the difference between what is resonating for you versus what isn't, you can't see what is being placed in your path for you to work on. It all just becomes noise.

Clearing the slate is about looking closely at these distractions, cleaning things up inside and out so you can actually see and hear what's going on. The first place I would recommend looking is at your physical environment. Do you tend to have clutter around you, on your coffee table, your dresser, your desks at home and at work? Are your closets overflowing with all of the things that have just been shoved in there? Is your car full of empty water bottles and fast food bags you were too busy to throw out? When things around us are chaotic and disorderly, it tends to generate chaos in our minds as well. Treat yourself to some time this week to tackle an organization project that has been on your mind for a while, and take a few minutes each day to arrange your home and office, picking things up and throwing things away as you go so that are living and working surrounded by harmony.

As you begin to establish order in your life, you may begin to notice the source of some of your other distractions. Begin to pay attention to your thought processes, especially when you hear things like "I can't do that because . . ." or "I don't have time . . ." or "Maybe one day I'll be able to . . ." The idea that we don't have enough time to do the things we want to do is a choice. How much time do you spend watching television, having a beer (or two or more), gossiping by the water cooler, playing video games (and yes, computer solitaire counts), or reading about what's happening in celebrities' lives? Sure, there are plenty of things we do throughout the day that are necessary, but there are plenty more that are essentially just time suckers, distractions that keep us from even thinking about what it is we'd really like to be doing with our time, let alone actually acting on those ideas.

Another way we distract ourselves is by living in the past instead of in the present, defining ourselves by what has come before instead of where we are today. Each moment is a new moment, with the opportunity to make a new choice. When we cling to old ideas, old beliefs, old patterns, we keep ourselves locked in the past. When we hold on to perceived hurts, we get weighed down, hurting ourselves anew every time we think of them. Letting go of these things fills you with such energy, with such lightness, that you can use it as a springboard, catapulting you in the direction of your dreams. Make the choice to put down the baggage you've been carrying around with you, forgiving yourself and those who have hurt you, recognizing that right now is the only moment that really is and choosing to live it from a place of love and light and laughter.

At this point you are probably ready for some cleansing of the body and the mind. A little self-love goes a long way here. You might choose to do a fast of some sort, although really, the goal here is to do something that feels good for yourself, that feels nurturing. It might be as simple as making yourself a special meal where the only special occasion is that you're taking care of yourself. Or you might choose to eliminate or reduce something in your diet that you tend to overindulge in. Or you might choose to follow the Native tradition of smudging, burning sage to cleanse your home and yourself of any negative feelings or influences that have built up there. Whatever you choose to do, find something that is meaningful to you and imbue it with a sense of ceremony, allowing it to really sink in on all levels.

Following are a couple of exercises you can use to help with the process of letting go. You might use them alone or in conjunction with some of the ideas we've already discussed here. I don't follow any specific schedule, but when things start to get clogged up for me, I often receive a message that says it is time to do a burning bowl or do some forgiveness work. When you listen to your inner wisdom, you will know when is the right time for you as well.

Forgiveness Exercise:
There are many guided meditations out there that will walk you through a forgiveness exercise. I like to do this simple exercise that is a melding of various traditions I've been introduced to along the way.

Start by making yourself comfortable in a sitting position--you can use a more traditional meditation stance if you'd like, but sitting cross-legged in your favorite chair works just as well. Close your eyes and spend a few minutes breathing deeply, visualizing the tension flowing out of your muscles as you move from the top of your head down to your toes. You might choose to envision yourself being enveloped in a loving presence, full of kindness and compassion and unconditional love. Know that you are truly loved, inside and out, and that nothing you could ever do would shake that love.

When you've achieved a feeling of peace and relaxation, bring into your mind's eye a picture of the person you are ready to forgive, which might even be yourself, and see them sitting across from you. Visualize this individual in the same state of peace and relaxation that you are. Take a few minutes to speak your peace, stating what it was that they did that hurt you and how it made you feel. This is not about blaming them or telling them that they are wrong--this is a time for you to talk about your perception of what happened and its effects on you. Talk until you've gotten it all out of your system and you feel like you are ready to move on.

Keeping the image of this person in your mind's eye, acknowledge that whether the hurt was intentional or unintentional, you are ready to release it. Tell them out loud that you forgive them and ask for their forgiveness in return. Imagine both of you being filled with a cleansing white light, and allow yourself to float in this light, feeling free of the weight that has just been lifted from you. Allow the other person to float off along their own path, blessing them on their journey. Stay in this white light until you feel the lightness transferred into your physical being.

As they say, nature abhors a vacuum, so take a few moments to focus on what you are grateful for. You can say it out loud or write it down, but really feel that gratitude, allowing it to fill the space that now exists within you. The gratitude does not need to tie back into what was just released, but should feel genuine, and might even bring a smile to your face.

Repeat this exercise every couple of days until you feel like the forgiveness has truly sunk in throughout your body and mind.

Burning Bowl Ritual:
There are a variety of different ways to do this ritual, which is often practiced when something is coming to an end as a way of releasing the past before the new work can begin.

Gather together a few materials that you'll need for this ritual: a candle, a lighter or matches, a pad of paper or slips of paper, a pen, a bowl to catch the ashes. Optional: tweezers, sage.

Write down on individual pieces of paper all of the things that you are ready to release, from an old belief or pattern to a person. Keep in mind that releasing a person does not have to mean that you are rejecting them from your life but it is an acknowledgment that they are on their own path as you are on yours. When you are finished writing things down, take a few moments to relax, closing your eyes and taking a few deep breaths to allow any last nuggets to come to mind.

Light the candle you have in front of you. You might choose to say a little prayer, whatever comes to mind about your intention for this ritual. Pick up the first piece of paper, holding onto just the corner. (Optional: use tweezers to hold the pieces of paper to protect your fingers from the flame.) Read what is written on the paper, saying out loud that you are ready to release this belief, pattern, person, etc. Affirm what you accept into your life, the positive thing you'd like to see manifest with this release. For example, if the thing you are releasing is your debt, then you'd say something like: "I release this debt. I know that I am prosperous and I am now living my life from that place of abundance." Allow this affirmation to sink in as you place the slip of paper in the candle's flame. Watch the words burn and feel the sensation of release of this concept, allowing the ashes to fall into the bowl in front of you.

Repeat this process with each of the slips of paper you have written on until all has been released. You might choose to take this opportunity to burn some sage to cleanse the residue of what you've released from yourself and the room. Do something that feels ceremonious with the ashes--some people like to bury them, I'm okay with just washing them down the drain. Again, you might want to take a moment to do say a prayer affirming your intentions.

I do this ritual periodically, about once every other month or so, depending on what is coming up for me at the moment. There is no right or wrong way to do this--sometimes I've done them two days in a row because I remembered more things I needed to release or I felt like something was especially sticky. Just do what feels good here.

Recommended Reading:
The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz
Radical Forgiveness, by Colin Tipping
True Balance, by Sonia Choquette

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Getting back on track

Routines. They feel both so restrictive and so necessary -- the ultimate in not being able to live with or without something. I often find them stifling, like they get in the way of my ability to get anything done. Or when there are too many things planned and scheduled, I feel like there's no room left for spontaneity or creativity. But when the pendulum swings the other way, everything gets out of whack. And without fail, what I don't end up doing -- meditation, stretching, writing, etc. -- is precisely what I need to be doing at a minimum in order to stay connected and centered and on track.

I've spent a substantial amount of time in the past few years trying to get my back straightened out. I'll throw my back out and spend weeks or even months working to get it into shape. Some days it will be better than others, I'll have the sense of improvement, and then wham, I bend to pick something up and it locks up again. I tend to hold my stress in my body -- I can often tell when I'm out of whack internally by how I feel physically -- and my neck, shoulders, and back are the places where this shows up the most. When I started going to physical therapy for my knees this fall, something amazing started to happen -- my back was getting better without my really doing anything. I'm sure there were a few things at play here -- for example, not working was alleviating a substantial amount of the stress -- but the biggest change, really, was that I had found a routine in which I was stretching nearly daily. My whole body responded beautifully to this, as if to say, Ah, she finally figured it out, thank you.

This month, I've fallen off of my physical routine. I haven't been stretching or doing my home exercises anywhere near as much as I was during November and December, and man oh man, can I ever feel the difference. Combine that with a weekend where I've fallen off the rest of my routine and wow, you've got a double whammy. When I woke up this morning, my whole body hurt and I felt fuzzy, out of sync, disoriented. I stretched a little bit, did my morning pages, and I can already feel my body and my energy turning around. Next up, meditation. By the time lunch rolls around I bet I'll be flying high again.

I think the key here, as with everything else, is BALANCE. I know, I know, I'm a broken record here, but honestly, nothing could be more important to me right now. I don't know how it works, I'm still figuring it out a little bit every day, but I know it is possible to have a life that is both routined and spontaneous, that is both spiritual and down-to-earth, that is both fulfilling and fun. This is my intention for today and for the week -- to find that balance, to stay connected and on track yet still have fun, to be open to the messages I receive and trust that there is plenty of time to follow where they lead. Namaste.

And today I was a bum

Remember when I asked if you would send a search party into the world of resistance if you didn't hear from me? Yeah, well, today was that day. Not that you could tell since I only post once a day anyway, but yeah, today was knee-deep-in-resistance mode. Unless, of course, my path includes the occasional day wasted in front of the XBOX playing Carcassonne and Settlers of Catan, which I'm guessing it probably doesn't.

This is really typical for me -- I have a great couple of days with some good aha! moments and then resistance reaches up from its murky depths and claims me. The good news in all of this is that I got myself into such an antsy state that I want to work now. I cleaned the house and I'm even doing some freelance, a strictly morning (or maybe early afternoon) activity. What I'm trying desperately not to do is to berate myself for this, just to recognize it as resistance and move along. That's probably harder for me than anything else, but again, I'm seeing it and letting it go. Mostly I'm just grateful this resistance phase was short lived.

If you don't see me tomorrow, fear not -- I'll be moving so fast resistance won't have time to get a hold of me. I'm following a few calls -- getting my hair cut (which is apparently a second chakra balancing activity), reconnecting with a friend from high school that I haven't seen in over 15 years, meeting up with another friend for a scrumptious dinner at Cafe Gratitude (to give you an idea of how emotional I am these days, I cried when I read the menu), and finally rounding it out with another friend at a metaphysical bookstore where I'll be doing some affirmative prayer work for her. Phew! All this after freelancing in the morning. Now I just have to remember to breathe! Namaste.