Throwing out the list

You know that feeling when you're aware of what you probably should be doing but you seem to be incapable of doing it? Suddenly anything and everything else feels super important, whether it's unloading the dishwasher or picking a piece of lint off your sweater. I suspect that's something we've all experienced at one time or another. For me, anyway, it manifests as a form of beating myself up, as even the presence of the word "should" suggests in my first sentence.

One of the challenges of having the appearance of so much free time in my life is that all of those things that I always wanted to do have now moved to the level of "things I should be doing" in my head. I have a list of "daily goals," which is really more like a daily task list. I swear, even if all I did was finish off this list everyday I'd probably feel overwhelmed. My morning practice alone has bloomed to the point where it takes a minimum of two hours to finish everything. Then there's three meals a day to cook and clean up after. I'm training for my Avon Walk, so there's walking or cross-training to be done, plus stretching and icing. I have a category for "coursework" that includes things like the Prosperity Game from Ask and It Is Given, the Attracting Genuine Abundance course I signed up for from DailyOM, and finishing up my A New Earth reading, watching, and writing. As I mentioned in my last post, I've started a Chinese medicine regimen, so I need to make sure I allow time to prepare the herbs in the morning and then remember to drink them after each meal, not to mention carving out time for my acupuncture and massage appointments. There is, of course, writing my daily blog post. And oh yeah, I'm also freelancing, so somewhere in there I should find time to both do my work and drum up new business. Phew.

While these are all worthy objectives for any given day, the problem lies in my being overwhelmed from the start. I'm practically already behind schedule when my feet hit the floor in the morning, and there's a voice at the back of my head that is telling me that if I'm not going to get it all done anyway, I might as well take my time. So instead of having a purposeful, flowing day filled with joy at the prospect of getting to live my life the way I always wanted to, I can end up experiencing a day full of stress, with never enough time to get anything done, and overflowing with distractions that I allow to take up my time instead of recognizing them as the unnecessary derailment that they really are.

So my goal for this week is to throw out the list, but perhaps more importantly to also throw out the distractions. I've shut all of my browser windows, streamlined my "to do list" to just those things I need reminders to complete, and shifted my focus to the present moment. Right now is the only moment that matters. And when I live this moment to its fullest, there is always plenty of time to get everything done. Care to join me in this adventure this week? Choose a new practice with me whereby you allow the universe to find its flow in your life, bringing your attention to where it is needed in each moment, allowing those daily tasks to unfold effortlessly. Experience what it is like to live from the place of awareness that is your true self, being truly present where you are, starting right here, right now, in this very moment. Namaste.

Photo: "let's dance!," originally uploaded by Tinou Bao

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My dark side

My dark side is rearing its ugly head this morning. It's like a cacophony of voices ringing in my head, the voices of fear saying, You'll never be good enough... you're not special... there are thousands of writers and coaches and intuitives and teachers and healers out there. What makes you think you're special? What makes you think you've got something unique or different to say? And the best one of all -- Who do you think you are?

Ah yes, the dark side. My negative self-talk that often masquerades as rational, critical thinking. It can sound so self-protective sometimes, like when a parent is trying to let their child down easy, or give advice the child doesn't really want to hear. Other times it sounds harsh, cruel, angry, throwing past failures (or even current) in my face as if to say, See? If you'd just listened to me in the first place, this never would have happened. And when I'm feeling a little down, what those voices are saying make so much sense. I start thinking you're right, I'm being totally silly here, I should try something more practical, something safe. But something inside of me knows there's only one thing that voice of fear has said that's entirely true -- if I had listened to it in the first place, this never would have happened. The voice means it to be reprimanding, to suggest that next time I should follow its advice. But the real truth is that making those mistakes, putting myself out there in such a way that there's even a possibility of failure is the only way I'm going to grow, the only way I'm going to learn.

You'll hear people talk about not being able to follow their dreams because look how old they are. I can't go to film school, medical school, etc. -- I'm already 30, or 40, or 50! But what they aren't considering is that if they don't go follow that dream, they'll still be however old they are and stuck in the same unfulfilled place they are now. I do not want to be one of those people. What I want more than anything else in this life is to shake off all these feelings of "should have" and "supposed to," all this practical, intellect-based thinking, and really FEEL, really and truly LIVE. And the only way I'm going to be able to do that is to take leaps of faith, to continue to push the envelope, to come out of hiding, to integrate all of the facets of my personality into one ME and show her off to the whole world. And sometimes I'm going to fall flat on my face and bang up my knees (literally and figuratively), but I will always have the support I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again tomorrow.

What is your dream? What would living your life fully look like? What aren't you doing today that feels like a gaping hole in your life, even if it's a hole that has never been filled? You show me yours and I'll show you mine. And then maybe, we can give each other a boost, help each other unfurl those wings, and give flying a try together. Namaste.

The old man is snoring

There's something really peaceful about waking up and hearing the rain pitterpattering outside your window. Of course, it's peaceful in the way that it makes you want to just roll over and go right back to sleep. It's almost 10 and I'm still struggling against the urge to curl back up under the covers. Not necessarily to sleep, but perhaps with a good book and a nice cup of tea. If I had a fireplace, I'd really be in trouble.

But instead, it is December 18th, and with long-distance relatives, I should probably be wrapping up some of my Christmas shopping today. Productivity and rain don't go hand in hand, but I am an evolved being who can go against her primal urges. Or something like that. That word "should" is a sticky one. I strongly believe that doing things because we "should" do them leaves us often doing them for the wrong reasons. "Should" implies that there are expectations we are attempting to live up to, quite often our own, but that we don't really want to be doing these things. So I have to ask myself, do I really feel like I "should" finish up that Christmas shopping today?

When I look at it a little more closely, I see a few things going on here. First, there's the "should" of buying presents. The good news is, I really like to give things. I get a lot of joy out of giving. Especially when you get to give something that either you really like (ideally that they like too) or that they've really been wanting. There's warm-and-fuzziness in that. My ideas this year run the full gamut of things I'm really excited to be giving to things that the person really needs that aren't really very exciting to things that just express that I was thinking of them. You win some, you lose some. But overall I'm feeling pretty good about the gift-giving piece. Then there's the "should" of the timing. That really just comes from living 3,000 miles away from your family and having been on the receiving end of late, well, everything. I know I like to have things to open on the day of the gift-giving occasion, whatever it may be, and therefore I strive to get things to people on time. And energetically it feels good to follow the golden rule and do for others what you'd like to have others do for you. The last piece of the "should" is about finishing up today specifically, and that's a little more nebulous. I think it has something to do with not spending more on the shipping than you do on the presents. The truth is, I may have already missed the window on that, who knows. But I do know that I will feel better when everything is safely making its way east.

So I feel much more contented about the whole thing when I realize that there's no "should" about it -- I want to wrap things up today because it will make me feel good to do so. And if I don't, well, there's always tomorrow.